Totally Basmatic!

Raincoat, (2004)

2007-09-03T22:45:00.000-02:30

So aside from being productive/creative this Labor Day weekend, I also watched three very different movies. I re-watched Princess Mononoke, a breathtaking and beautiful merger of Miyazaki's mythology and traditional hand-drawn animation. I also saw The Station Agent, an almost perfect little film that ended too soon.

And then I watched Raincoat (2003).

Raincoat is an O. Henry-inspired film that follows Manu (Ajay Devgan) as takes a detour from finding investors to meet up with his long lost love, Niru (Aishwarya Rai), who had married into money. Of course, now she has neither money nor a worthwhile marriage, but she doesn't let that on. Instead of being honest with one another, the pair spends an afternoon lying to one another to make themselves seem happier than they really are. And, because it's inspired by O. Henry, you know there's going to be a twist at the end - and, if you're familiar with O. Henry, you can probably already guess what that twist is.

The positives - the acting is wonderful. Of course, I could watch Ajay look soulful all day, but he's also good to watch in motion. Aishwarya channels her usual aloofness in a role that actually requires it. The bit players -Niru's landlord, Manu's friends - are also straight on. They create real people rather than the ordinary Bollywood caricatures; director Rituparno Ghosh goes with a more subdued approach (that also means no naach-gaana). The characters are really well-drawn, the cinematography is excellent - this would be a perfect little film.

It would be, except that it was too long. The inspiration for the film - O. Henry's story "The Gift of the Magi" - is short for a reason. The premise doesn't stretch all that far. It focused mostly on dialogue between the two main characters, interspersed with flashbacks to when they were young and happy together, but there was also a lot of "dead air" during the film. It was a continual, drawn-out feeling of waiting. Quite frankly, it got kind of boring.

It's certainly worth watching once for Ajay and Aishwarya's acting combined with Ghosh's attention to detail, but I don't think this rental merits a re-watch any time soon.

Yeh Raaste Hain Pyaar Ke, (2001)

2007-08-29T23:37:00.000-02:30

Sometimes a movie can be so compelling that it grips me immediately and I have to pen a post A.S.A.P. Sometimes a movie can be so awful that I have to share my mirth in laughing at it. Sometimes a movie just doesn't strike you as one or the other. Sometimes a movie doesn't really strike you at all.

Yeh Raaste Hai Pyaar Ke is one such film. I was intrigued by the horribly-basmatic sounding plot, which includes lookalikes and car chases and wrongful deaths and, and also by the fact that it features actors I've never seen together before - Preity Zinta and Ajay Devgan? Ajay Devgan and Madhuri Dixit?

While the leads were blandly appealing, when I was watching the film, I had the distinct feeling that it was made ten years too late with actors who had way better things to do. I mean, Madhuri, seriously, when was Devdas made? Not long after this plot. It was the bit actors - the family of villains, the heroine's evil aunt, etc. - who seemed to be relishing their roles to the max. Does anyone say to the max anymore? I am totally bringing that back.

Of course, I should add that Ajay is pretty easy on the eyes as he wears a variety of suit/t-shirt combos while jumping through car windshields.

The story itself combines pure masala with emotional drama, complete with unlikely twists, Sunny Deol, imagined scenes, and questionable fashion choices. It seems like every hour is a different film. First it focuses on the lives of Vicky (Ajay) and Sakshi (Preity), two wily thieves who can steal a car and carry a catchy tune at the same time. Eventually, a vengeful villain attempts to assassinate our hero, mowing down his double by mistake. Poor Rohit (also Ajay! Bet you didn't see that one coming). More pitiful still is his widow, Neha (Madhuri), who won't believe that her husband has died on their wedding night - and we flashback to their courtship for another hour. Due to falling asleep on a bus by mistake (literally on a bus) Vicky lands in Rohit's hometown and assumes his identity, with the blessings (and many lakhs) of Rohit's father. Of course, both being thought dead and posing as a married man leave Sakshi high and dry, and the villains eventually realize that they've killed the wrong guy. Mayhem ensues.

I don't mean to sound too down on the film - it was an enjoyable time-pass, after all. The songs were catchy and it's always fun to see Madhuri out-dance her costars.

Just what is Totally Basmatic?

2007-08-05T16:52:00.000-02:30

Astute new reader manythoughts has posed this question to me:

I am curious about one thing, though: What does your blog name mean?

That, my friend, is a very interesting question. I don't know that "totally basmatic" has a solid definition. Its fluidity as a term has been a great asset to me, as I can describe nearly all films, horribly good or just plain horrible, as "basmatic" in one way or another.

I can tell you how I came up with the name. As far as I know, "basmatic" isn't a real word. It came from a play on words with "basmati," however. This is how I came up with the idea.

Sometimes when I pop a DVD in the player to watch a movie, there are film previews and also commercials for assorted things. Oftentimes it is impossible to skip these commercials, as the DVDs won't allow it. Sometimes these commercials are for wedding halls in Edison, New Jersey, or jewelry shops in Jackson Heights, Queens. Sometimes these commercials are for basmati rice.

There is one particular basmati rice commercial that stars a woman, her daughter, an infant, and a dog. In the commercial the mother is teaching the daughter to cook, instructing to always use "this brand" basmati rice for the best results. The acting is hokey, but better than many Bollywood films. At the end of the commercial, everyone puts sunglasses on (including the infant and the dog) and when the lid of the rice pot is removed a beam of light pours through the kitchen.

I came up with "totally basmatic" because I wanted to evoke that same sense of both wonder and ridiculousness in my blog. I think it's become somewhat of a joke because many Bollywood viewers, especially those of us in America, find ourselves subjected to this commercial over and over and over and over again. When I say something is "totally basmatic" it's a little facetious but it also means that it is something that I greatly enjoy, whether in a bad film or a good one.

So, to those who read this blog, what is your definition for "totally basmatic"?

And if you know what basmati rice commercial I'm talking about, could you send me some screenshots so I don't look like such a lunatic without photographic evidence? I've been desperately going through my DVD collection to find it, but it doesn't help when said collection is split across three states and two continents.

Vivah, 2006

2007-07-26T22:09:00.000-02:30

Sooraj Barjatya is not known for making compelling films. They do not glue you to the edge of your seat, they do not grip you mercilessly, and they do not, unfortunately, make for an exciting or even biased film review.

They're just so damn nice.

I mean, let's look at the guy's history. His films have been gradually losing any and all possible sources of conflict. First there was Maine Pyar Kiya, which was chockfull of excitement - murderous doves, tight acid-washed jeans and mullets, oh my! Then there was Hum Aapke Hain Koun,* which had a conflict - a pretty big one - but it waited until the last half hour so to even bring it up. Hum Saath-Saath Hain was much the same, except with a bigger cast, I think. Then we had Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon. The main conflict I had with that movie was my concern with when Hrithik would take off his shirt.

Now there's Vivah. I tried during the first two hours and forty-five minutes or so to deduce the main source of conflict. Here are a list of things that are not conflicts in this movie:

The heroine is an orphan
The "second heroine" has more personality in her fingernail than the first heroine has at all
Resentful aunt
There seem to be no animals in this film, especially ones that either channel the will of a higher power or are badly computer-animated
Shahid Kapoor is not interested in me

In fact, the main conflict in this film is something I couldn't have predicted if I tried. It looks dire for all of ten minutes, but then... it's a Barjatya film. You know it's going to be all right in the end.

*(Okay, I know that there was Ena Pravukal in between, but the only thing I know about that film is that it's in Malayalam).

I'm looking for some sloth enablers...

2007-07-26T12:54:00.000-02:30

I know, I know. I'd just gotten back into the swing of posting and then I fell off the planet again. I've actually got several half-written reviews waiting in the wings to be posted, but we'll have to wait for creative inspiration... or rather, creative motivation... to grab hold of me again.

I've also been terribly remiss in updating my links. If you would like to be/deserve to bb linked in my blog, leave a comment to this entry with a 50 word essay on the theme of "dinosaurs vs. astronauts" and I'll get back to you shortly. I was going to say "include the reason why I should link you" but dinosaurs and astronauts are so much more interesting, don't you think?

I know there's people in the Bollywood Blogs Network I need to add, so don't worry about the essay if you're one of them.

A Bollywood meeting of the minds!

2007-07-18T17:41:00.000-02:30

An emailed invitation from T-hype lured me away from my super-busy social calendar into Curry Hill for a casual meeting of like-minded Bollybloggers!

And I have the picture to prove it!

Unless that was the picture that proves something else...

Anyway, it was great meeting you, Pooja, Filmiholic, and special kudos goes toT-hype, who I dragged around Queens all afternoon!

Julie, 1975

2007-07-02T22:46:00.000-02:30

I am always intrigued by the portrayal of Christianity in films, and my interest has been piqued especially by how strongly religion effects Indian movies in particular. I picked up Julie on from the library shelf because the back spoke of the struggles of "an Anglo-Indian Christian family" struggling together through a terrible ordeal.

Note to self: stop getting so many movies from the library or you'll owe them a million dollars in late fees.

Getting back on track, the terrible ordeal that Julie and her family had to face was (dunh dunh dunh) baby-making premaritally. Baby-making that resulted in a baby, mind you. With the Hindu neighbor, no less! No doubt a progressive film in its time, it can't help but seem dated and excessively Lifetime-y now. The plot is as follows: Julie loves Shashi, Shashi loves Julie, Shashi's parents go out of town, Julie's mother goes ballistic, vegeta vegeta vegeta. Julie is sent away to a relative's to have the baby after confiding in her best friend Usha, who is conveniently Shashi's sister. Dad dies while Julie is away, so Mom decides to relocate the whole family to England, which would separate Julie from her child forever (on a tangentially related note, I never spell "separate" correctly). Of course, Shashi et al. aren't about to let that happen, and a teary good-bye turns into a teary reunion and they all live happily ever after the end.

Of course, the one reason I picked this film up in the first place was a disappointment to me throughout the film. The only religious aspect about Julie's family was the glowing picture of Jesus hanging up in their living room. It was only a device to establish Julie's "otherness," as though to say "This sort of thing would never happen to a good Hindu girl" - enter Usha as Julie's foil - and even Julie's dad was a drinker, unlike a good Hindu dad. Julie's family had Anglican names and her mother was always concerned about how they were viewed in "the community," but that had nothing to do with religion and everything to do with superficiality. The only smidgen of even treatment I saw was Shashi's mother's dismay at Julie's habit of walking into the house with her shoes on, but her quick turnaround at the end went against her previously created character and re-established her as the good guy, as opposed to Julie's scheming mother.

Good points about the film? Well, Laxmi as Julie is really pretty. And it also features Sridevi in her first Hindi film as Julie's little sister! Aside from that, though, I'm at a loss. Typical Indian melodrama at the expense of the Christian Anglo-Indian community.

Home Delivery: Aapko... Ghat Tak, (2005)

2007-06-28T21:44:00.000-02:30

If you look at the imdb.com entry for Home Delivery, I guarantee you will either be amazed, astonished, or downright confused. For starters, it lists among its characters Santa Claus and Page 3 Psycho. It also lists a load of people that you wouldn't necessarily expect (and I won't spoil the surprise). But aside from being a random, sometimes fun, assortment of crazy people, there's not much substance behind this popcorn flick.

To paraphrase, um... the Bible, I think - there is a time and a place for everything. There is a time and a place for serious Chameli-type films, and a time and a place for checking your brain at the door and enjoying a film without doing any serious thinking, just as there is a time and a place for Abhishek Bachchan to get his snack on. There isn't much serious thinking that the audience has to do during the course of the film; in fact, there isn't even that much for the characters. Still, the film varies between lighthearted and sweet scenes and too-many-subplots-and-holy-cow-is-that-Suniel-Shetty syndrome, a.k.a. A.D.D. And it varies quickly and whiplash-causingly. (Oh adverbs, how I love making you up).

The film focuses on (and I use the word "focus" loosely) a day in the life of Sunny Chopra (Vivek Oberoi, I'm not spelling your crazy name any other way), the daily paper's go-to guy on relationship advice. Ironically enough, Sunny is maintains a bad relationship with his father while also living in sin with his girlfriend/fiancee Jenny (Ayesha Takia). He's also supposed to be working on a screenplay for Karan Johar, which leads him to a Koffee with Karan spoof where he meets the Cleavage Queen of the South (Mahima Choudhary), who tests his love for Jenny. If you think this is complicated thus far, I haven't even gotten to Santa Claus (Boman Irani).

All in all, this film pits pretty wacky vs. pretty boring, but the cameos (supposedly the most of any Indian film in history) are worth it if you're in the mood for a mindless timepass.

As a final note, I was going to include a promotional still or something in this post, but all the ones I found were too... creepy.

Chameli (2003)

2007-06-28T21:43:00.001-02:30

When Chameli first came out, way back when I first started watching Hindi films, it generated a lot of buzz for itself. It was supposed to be an artsy little film about a dark but deeply compelling subject, starring good actors with an interesting story. Still, I avoided it like the plague because it starred Kareena Kapoor and I was still reeling from her Poo-fect job in Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham. Finally, scanning the movie shelves at the Queens Public Library for some masala, I stumbled across it and decided to give it the chance it never had with me in the first place.

My final verdict? Not that impressed.

I can understand why people might have liked it to begin with - for anyone craving popcorn entertainment, this is much starker fare. Still, it does have the requisite songs and stars (Rahul Bose as well as Kapoor) which makes it a much easier pill to swallow. But its appeal to the mass audiences also compromises its artistic integrity. It's not a particularly exceptional film - I had the feeling while I was watching it that it had all been done before. There wasn't anything particularly well-done about the technical aspects, either - both leads were rather blasé, the cinematography was lacking, and the pace was so slow I fell asleep twice watching it. The best part about the movie was the brief running time. Avoid, yaar, unless eye-candy Bose is tasty enough to convince you otherwise.

2007-06-26T12:18:00.000-02:30

My addiction to craigslist has brought me across this writing gig. Finally, a call for Bollywood enthusiasts!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2007-06-22T12:12:00.000-02:30

For my birthday I wanted to post screencaps where you can find me in KANK!

Kucch to Hai, (2003)

2007-06-20T10:00:00.000-02:30

I’m going to come right out and say it: I hate horror movies. I hate thrillers, too. I’m very easily frightened and grossed out, especially when sitting in the dark staring at action unfold larger-than-life onscreen. I couldn’t fathom handing over ten bucks or so in order to sit in a movie theater and be uncomfortable for two hours. It’s simply not my idea of a good time.

So that is why I’ve never seen I Know What You Did Last Summer or Scream, which are apparently the primary inspiration for Kucch to Hai. Fortunately, I can always rely on a Bollywood movie not to live up to its expectations. In fact, except for the opening sequence (in which a dead white cheerleader falls on Esha Deol. Did I really just write that?) the film spends the first half an hour or so focused primarily on college-level romantic comedy. Karan (Tusshar) likes Tanya (Esha), but Natasha (Natasha) likes Karan, and Yash (Yash) likes Natasha. Or at least wants to get in her pants. Oh, and also Professor Bakshi (Rishi Kapoor) is eccentric, and may or may not have killed his wife. Of course, one thing leads to another and eventually some people fall in love while some others are gruesomely killed.

(Side note: Rishi Kapoor, to me, is the Bollywood equivalent of Alan Alda. I know he’s done bad guy roles before, but I can only ever remember all the good ones he was in. Trying to watch Rishi Kapoor pull off a believable villain is like watching Capt. Hawkeye Pierce kick a puppy. It just doesn’t happen.)

How bad is it that I think Jeetendra is still much cuter than his son? How bad is it that Johnny Lever provides the moment of greatest tension in the film? How bad is it that I have to keep using rhetorical questions? At any rate, Esha Deol looked cuter in this film than she has in any other that I’ve seen her in (possibly because her haircut was, for the most part, very flattering for her face). The ending was completely ridiculous. Unless you've got some sort of morbid curiosity (the dead cheerleader thing? Still weird), I would advise you to avoid, yaar.

I wish I could sing like the guys in Dil Chahta Hai.

2007-06-18T20:11:00.000-02:30

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABASKO.

I know that wasn't as awesome as Beth's post (nor was it on time even), but at least I remembered... right?

(Aside to Beth: Whose birthday is next?)

Josh, (2000)

2007-06-17T21:36:00.000-02:30

India’s take on West Side Story, Josh, can be mildly confusing. The story focuses on two gangs – not the Sharks or the Jets of course, but the Eagles and the Bicchu. However, if you’re like me and are easily confused by gang warfare, you may find this helpful chart useful in identifying who is on what side!

	Eagles	Bicchu
Name Meaning	Uh… eagles	Scorpions
Gang Emblem	Dangly feather earring worn in the right ear	Scorpion tattoos
Uniform	Leather jackets (in that heat? That’s intense)	Colorful shirts (thick eyebrows also appear to be a requirement)
Leader	Shahrukh Khan as Maxi (unfortunate name)	Sharad Kapoor as Prakash
Source of income	None, at least not until the second half	Bullying landowners and baking cakes?
Religious affiliation	Christian/Catholic	Hindu
Where the stars cross…	Maxi’s twin sister, Shirley (Aishwarya Rai)	Prakash’s brother, Rahul (the droopy-eyed Chandrachur Singh)
Fatal flaw	A mysterious secret about Max and Shirley’s past!	Bad gunmanship
Strengths?	Dance skills. And they have a gun.	Dance skills. And cake.

All silliness aside, I thought this was simultaneously an homage and a genuine adaptation of West Side Story. I think it transplanted the cultural clash to Goa quite nicely, while keeping it within the same time period as the original musical. The romance between Shirley and Rahul was the weakest point of the film – watching Max woo Roseanne (Priya Gill) was much more fun. Still, the most compelling parts of the film were the ones focused on the conflicts between the Eagles and the Bicchus, and sometimes the people caught in between. It’s nice to watch something that isn’t focused on a college romance once in a while (although SRK is soooooo sexy in the Saturday dance sequence). However, if this film was a little more in tune with its origins, it may have been better –the ending is “happier” than I’d have liked it to be. Is that a valid complaint? That not enough people die at the end of the film?

All in all, Josh is an enjoyable time-pass at worst; it could have become a really thought-provoking examination of gangs and cultural clashes, but doesn't quite maximize its potential. Most of the songs are pretty good - if that's a dealbreaker.

Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, (2007)

2007-06-16T21:52:00.000-02:30

What are some words I could use to describe this film? Let’s see… the first that come to mind are tasteless, campy, trashy, over-the-top, and ridiculous. It was almost like watching a continuous stream of music videos with little connection to any semblance of a plot. Of course, it goes without saying that I was completely entertained.

Still, I feel it is my duty to point out one or two good points about this film. One was that, instead of being completely embarrassed by their broadly-drawn caricatures, all four of the primary actors seemed to embrace the trashiness and have fun with their roles. Secondly, I was pleasantly surprised when Tony from Bend It Like Beckham made a brief appearance! Okay, after two good points, I think I’m spent.

A brief synopsis: Alvira (Preity Zinta) and Rikki (Abhishek) meet in a train station, and end up trying to top one another with stories about how they met their respective fiancées (Bobby Deol and Lara Dutta). Rikki, against all odds, apparently won his Anaida’s heart while crashing at her hotel in Paris. On the other hand, Alvira’s beloved Steve rescued her from Superman. Each story is rife with plot holes and ridiculous extremes, but that is forgotten in the second half, because as it turns out neither Steve nor Anaida are exactly who they are supposed to be.

Tasteless? With songs called “Ticket to Hollywood” and “Kiss of Love,” what did you expect?

Campy? Well, just you wait to see some of the costumes and choreography for said songs.

Trashy? This is a Bollywood film with long kisses! I think the aunties next to me in the theater left in disgust.

Over-the-top and ridiculous? I don’t know if that’s the right term – is there anything more extreme I could use to more accurately describe this film?

Entertaining? Yes, if you want it to be – leave your brain with the ticket-taker, pig out on popcorn, and embrace the embarrassment that is Amitabh Bachchan’s ensemble, and you’ll enjoy every minute.

El Laberinto del Fauno, (2007)

2007-01-22T23:19:00.000-03:30

It's been a long, long time since I saw a film that gripped me so hard that I had to go see it again the next day. Strangely enough, El Laberinto del Fauno (distributed somewhat inaccurately as Pan's Labyrinth here in the States) had that effect not only on me, but on the friend I saw it with (and the next day we were at the theater again with our boyfriends in tow). In fact, I plan to see this movie again in the near future - I've made several plans with several friends to go see it several times, many of whom have also seen it several times already. So either I'm not the only crazy one, or this film is just that good.

What made this film appeal to me in the first place is the imagination behind it. Mexican filmmaker Guillermo del Toro creates a fantasy world with a simplistic, believable mythology behind it - it's not based on thousands of pages like Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, nor does it parallel a major religion like C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. Of course, imagination on its own is not enough, but the execution of this imagination is fantastic. The costuming, the special effects, the monsters, the setting, the cinematography - it's almost overwhelming, it's so beautiful.

The film chronicles a few days in the life of a twelve-year-old girl, Ofelia, who is relocated to the Spanish countryside by her stepfather, a captain in the army. Just after the civil war, the fascists are trying to suppress a guerrilla uprising in the surrounding forest, and Ofelia and her invalid mother are staying in the mill that the army uses as its base of operations. Ofelia, a dreamer and a reader, is drawn into a nearby ancient structure and consequently into a world of fantasy that reflects the real life events going on around her. She learns from a faun (the "Pan" of the English title) that she is in fact the reincarnated princess of the underworld who must accomplish three tasks in order to regain her throne. Meanwhile, Ofelia must also suffer the cruelty of her stepfather and try to save her mother and infant brother from the goings-on around them.

The entire story is marked with violence and realism, in both reality and fantasy. It's not easy to watch at parts, especially as it gets pretty gory at times. Still, Ofelia puts all of her faith in her fantasy realm, and the outcome is heartbreaking.

I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried. And I wholeheartedly recommend it.

Baabul, (2006)

2007-01-10T12:01:00.000-03:30

There's a point in every movie where the fit hits the shan, if you know what I mean. In an action movie it's when Bruce Willis discovers that the bomb is located in an elementary school. In a romantic comedy it's when John Cusack realizes he's in love with the girl his best friend is about to marry. In a Bollywood movie, it occurs an hour and a half into the film, usually during a happy, upbeat musical number to show the disjunction between drama and danceyness.

The problem with the fit hitting the shan in Bollywood films is that so often the point is unbelievable - and it completely divides the film in half. The first hour and a half might as well be a different movie than the second ninety minutes. That's my primary complaint with Baabul, starring Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Rani Mukherjee, Salman Khan, and FPMBF John Abraham.

I was led to believe that this movie was about the relationship between a father-in-law (Bachchan) and his widowed daughter-in-law (Mukherjee), which I thought could be adequately explored to make an interesting, intelligent film. Baabul, instead, is the same old masala just reheated in the microwave with an extra dash of superfluous conflict. Firstly, it's formulaic - guy and gal fall in love, gal doesn't like old man, gal is convinced to marry guy after a few earnest speeches. Oh, and gal's best friend (Abraham, in a dimple-icious role with not much to do but smile pensively, which is a stretch for Abraham's acting skills, admittedly) is in love with her but disappears after the wedding without saying a word. Everything goes along smoothly and without conflict, much like a Sooraj Barjatya film. After the first guy dies, it's time for best friend to reenter the scene as part of father-in-law's plan to make gal happy. There's a little hubbub about widows being allowed to remarry and whatnot, but everything is resolved with a few more earnest speeches at a predictably dramatic moment.

I may be a little harsh, but I think there was so much potential in this subject matter that could have made such a great movie - it's just that Baabul isn't it. It's as though the filmmakers took the most superficial approach possible. The same goes for the songs and the cinematography. The songs were good, and yet some were ruined by Dumb English Lyrics, and the entire film looked like Technicolor on LSD.

It's a good thing John Abraham is just so darn cute in this movie, otherwise I just may have turned it off in frustration.

Still not a real post.

2006-11-04T17:12:00.000-03:30

In keeping with the "I'm not posting about movies since I haven't had time to watch any lately" streak, I just wanted to bring all of your attention to my sister's latest livejournal post here, because I think everyone will get a kick out of it. She's a Bollywood fugger all her own.

All Khanned Out.... Over You....

2006-11-02T18:44:00.000-03:30

've been tagged! Fifty percent off now through Sunday.

Or not. Rather, I've been tagged by Beth to list my four favorite Khans.

So, in the spirit of horrible puns, who is it that I khan't get enough of?

Well, firstly, I'll list Khan!, a 1975 crime/drama that ran for only one season. It's in first place because, well, EXCLAMATION POINT. Exclamation points for the win!

In second place there's 1982's Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan because my boyfriend likes Star Trek, and he wants his vote to count.

In third place I'll put choreographer Saroj Khan, who created the steps to possibly the world's most basmatic dance number ever, Mr. India's "Hawa Hawaii." Also to her credit: Devdas, Taal, Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam, Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge, and Khal Nayak, among dozens of others.

Tied for fourth I'm going to give some shout-outs to two talented playback singers, Adnan Sami Khan and Sunidhi Chauhan (birth name: Sana Khan). I especially owe Adnan Sami props for the video for "Kabhi Nahin," which features both Sami and Amitabh Bachchan making enormous fools of themselves for, I think, my personal amusement.

Of course, I've also got to wish Shahrukh Khan a very happy 41st birthday. Thank you, SRK, for being what drew me most into Bollywood; there was a time when I refused to watch films that didn't star you. You are the Rahul to my Anjali (Anjali the daughter, of course - I've got enough boyfriends already!). Last year at this time I was ~~stalking you~~ ~~co-starring with you~~ jumping with joy after having the chance to be an extra in KANK. This birthday, sadly, you are without my jumpingly joyful presence, but I hope you appreciate this as much as I do:

Being Cyrus, (2005)

2006-11-02T13:15:00.000-03:30

Kamla lent me this film a while ago, and regrettable I’m only finding time now to write about it. She gave it to me, warning me that it’s not your typical Hindi film because, firstly, very little of it is actually in Hindi. Besides that, it has no naach-gaana, no romantic plotline, and characters you’d sooner find in an off-beat Hollywood or European film than in any sort of Indian movie. And all in half the running time of a typical Bollywood film!

Starring Saif Ali Khan, Naseeruddin Shah, Dimple Kapadia, Simone Singh, and Boman Irani, the story follows Cyrus (Khan) as he joins Dinshaw Sethna (Shah) as an assistant. Dinshaw’s wife, Katy (Kapadia), wants more than the laidback life of her pot-smoking husband, and uses Cyrus as a springboard into action. He becomes the catalyst in the downfall of an already dysfunctional family, which also includes the wealthy Farokh (Irani) and his much younger, meek wife (Singh). Nothing turns out according to plan, as people are not who they were made out to be.

Like Dinshaw, the film has a laidback quality that makes it hard to get into at first, but it doesn’t take long for it to evolve into a complex psychological drama with a dose of social commentary. I was particularly affected by the Sethna family’s treatment of their aging patriarch. Suffering from senility and confined to a cramped, dirty apartment with a restricted diet and broken things, despite his wealth, it was hard to feel compassionate for any character but him. This is not only a problem in India, however – neglect and mistreatment of the elderly is common in the U.S. as well.

It’s easy to envision this film being made in America or Europe – all that makes this a distinctly Indian film is the Bollywood cast. Overall, I’d recommend this film for those searching for atypical film fare, whether fans of Indian films or not.

To: Readers, Love: Fireball

2006-10-29T22:13:00.000-03:30

Hey there everybody, Fireball here, long time no see. Twinno is insistant that I post here more often, so I figure I might as well at least say "hi". Unfortunately, the CD drive on my laptop is broken, meaning I can't pop in any lovely Bollywood DVDs to watch until I get it fixed (since my roommate took her DVD player home as well this weekend). So, I've been forced to look elsewhere for my necessary dose of Bollywood.

Where else would one go but YouTube.com? YouTube probably my new favorite thing on the internet. On YouTube, I can find nearly everything I need for entertainment, from ridiculous homemade music videos to subtitled Japanese doramas. And, of course, you can find the best bits of Bollywood there as well, such as this wonderful tidbit:

It needs no explanation other than that I love it completely and utterly and possibly even more than the real Superman.

Kuch Khatti Kuch Meethi, (2001)

2006-10-19T13:06:00.000-02:30

I’m going to come right out and say it. I don’t like The Parent Trap, either adaptation. I don’t like Hayley Mills and I don’t like Lindsay Lohan.

I am, however, a big fan of Kajol, which is the only reason I sought out Bollywood’s adaptation of the aforementioned film, appropriately titled Kuch Khatti Kuch Meethi (some sour, some sweet, or vice versa. Too much confusion, darling!)

As far as the sisters go, there is Sweety, who is anything but sweet. She lies, cheats, steals, and otherwise livens up the movie. She lives with her father, but hates everything about him and her situation (I would too – it’s got everything from emotional manipulation to alcoholism and physical abuse), and it’s only a matter of time before Sweety splits. Then there is the nicer, boring twin, Tina, who lives abroad with her mother. It’s easy to tell the difference between the two since Sweety wears far more eyeliner.

And as for Mom and Pop, of course they didn’t separate because of irreconcilable differences. That would be silly. They’re driven apart by an evil aunt, out for the family’s fortune. That makes much more sense.

And when Sweety ends up in England, where Tina lives, no one is more confused than Suniel Shetty. He is, in fact, so mixed up that at some point he takes up pole-dancing.

I don’t even know. I don’t know what to tell you.

Things are quickly messed up when Sweety’s dubious employers try to kill Tina, and Tina’s adopted uncle finds Sweety passed out from drinking. Tina escapes with a new boyfriend, and Sweety has found a mother she had long thought was dead.

Still, despite the likeableness of the heroine (heroines?) this movie is several notches below either Disney Parent Traps on the “Good-O-Meter.” There’s a lot that doesn’t make sense, and it doesn’t help when things turn crass (Viagra jokes? Ew) or ridiculous (“There’s an army tank in the grocery store parking lot? I knew we shouldn’t have named it Tianamen Shopping Square”).

Best (or worst?) line: “Hello? I believe in women’s lib. Oh, and by the way – all men are dumbos.”

Bluffmaster, (2005)

2006-10-17T15:03:00.000-02:30

I know, I know, it's been a while. But now I've gotten half the semester under my belt and hopefully it will be smooth sailing until finals.

With a few extra hours me and the flatmate sat down to study/watch Bluffmaster starring Abhishek Bachchan and FPMBF Riteish Deshmukh. I hate to admit that at first I only barely looked up; it seemed a run-of-the-mill "reformed bad guy loses girl" kind of story. Not that it lacked humor, convincing acting, good-looking gals and dolls, and glossy songs - I just wasn't drawn in.

That is, until Riteish Deshmukh appeared onscreen. Oh, Riteish. You light up my life.

Have you ever heard of little dog syndrome? That's the official term (well, my official term) for what makes little dogs think they're big dogs. You've seen Pomeranians growling at Rottweilers, right? Little dog syndrome. "Riteish D's" Dittu suffers from the same malady; he's a small-time conman who thinks he belongs in the big leagues. Somehow he latches onto Bachchan's Roy, the greatest player in the game, for training. Roy is dragged out of semi-retirement by Dittu, the chance to regain his lost ladylove (Priyanka Chopra), and an urgent need to live life to the fullest.

While chock full of some great zingers and one-liners, this film was not as funny as I thought it would be. The humor was balanced by some drama (both of the subtle and "melo" variety, c/o Dittu) and some romance as well. What made this film for my was its style - glossy, modern, over-the-top. The songs? Fun and dance-y. The acting? Nothing bad there. The ending? Guessed by flatmate, but still surprising. All in all, it was a fun enjoyable film. Funtimes were had by all.

Couch potato time

2006-10-06T23:14:00.000-02:30

So you may have noticed a distinct lack of Basmatic lately, and for that, I'm sorry. I haven't had much time for watching and writing and posting about Bollywood films. And you want to know why?

Television. That's why.

It's a horrible excuse, and I know it. I don't think there's anything out there that's worse for you than television, which might explain why mine seems to always be on. I like things that are bad for me. Like candy. And ice cream. And running in traffic.

I don't know why, but it's a yearly ritual for me to try and watch every season premiere of any television show that a) seems mildly interesting or b) I've seen before. There are very few shows that I try hard not to miss at all, but my TV-watching habits are generally not set in stone. For example, I wanted to watch the premiere of The Gilmore Girls last week but ended up watching House instead. And then somehow I got sucked into that horribly awful teen-soap-drama mess that is One Tree Hill on Wednesday (didn't that show used to be about basketball? And isn't Chad Michael Murray a few years too old to be a believable high school senior? And why are teenagers getting married?) and Smallville on Thursday. I'm terribly hooked on Grey's Anatomy and out of a deep-seated loyalty I still watch ER from time to time - which paid off in a weird way one week a few seasons ago when real life Bollywood duo Anupam and Kirron Kher appeared as Neela's parents in one or two episodes. I used to watch Desperate Housewives but since GA moved to Thursdays I'm not setting aside my Sunday nights anymore. Ugly Betty looks promising, and it looks like another fun-filled season on Lost (and by "fun-filled" I mean "We'll never figure out what's going on, will we?").

The good news is I got Bluffmaster in the DVD player and a nice, long weekend to spend my time with it. Funtimes are fast approaching, friends.

Praan Jaaye Par Shaan Na Jaye , (2003)

2006-09-30T20:16:00.000-02:30

My skills at procrastination shine through as I am the last of the international Bollybloggers to post my review of Sanjay Jha's film, Praan Jaaye Par Shaan Na Jaye.

In our "Bloggers Meet Director" exercise for Bollywoodbloggers, here are all of the other participants:
Babasko
Michael
Beth
Filmiholic
Mirie
Oli
Maria
Kaddele

Now on to the film!

First things first: is this you, Sanjay?

All right, now I can move on to my response to the film. I liked it. In fact, I liked it a lot. Allow me to enumerate:

1) I think, first and foremost, the film functions as a very successful satire. It shows the problems encountered by middle class citizens of a Mumbai chawl (an apartment building not unlike the overcrowded tenements of New York at the turn of the 20th century) without ever becoming heavy-handed or moralistic. An excellent example of this is Laxmi's (Raveena Tandon) fake sati. By commercializing the illegal practice of a wife's self-immolation on her husband's pyre, the chawl was able to bring in wealth, media attention, and controversy. The situation manages to portray the problems of sati without taking either side, instead treating the whole thing with humor.

2) I really enjoyed the mix of satire and slapstick. I was laughing during nearly every sequence, whether it was Saundarya (Diya Mirza) treating her suitors like potential brides or Laxmi (Raveena Tandon) saying "Shut up, Ganpat."

3) The dramatic parts weren't treated too "filmi." There weren't a lot of happy endings, which is appropriate in a realistic film (I define a realistic Bollywood film as "one with less than five songs").

4) It was funny how self-referential this film was, whether the songs were parodizing the songs from other Hindi films (like Lagaan or Josh), or Ganpat (Vijay Raaz) addressing the audience directly ("Why are you folks worried? You've already seen so many Hindi films!")

5) The music director must have had a good time, whether playing "Yeh Dosti" in the background whenever Ganpat and Aman converse or backing Sushmita Sen up with "Mehboob Mere."

Admittedly, a lot of the film probably went over my head (the subtitles on the DVD weren't entirely functional) and I don't think I would have enjoyed the film so much if I hadn't already seen so many Hindi films. Because it's so self-referential, the movie wouldn't operate on so many levels so well if it were in any other format - not in Hollywood, not on stage (sorry to disagree with you there, Beth!), not as a book. The songs were nods to typical film songs, whether parodizing them outright or including homages to the hero/heroine fantasies.

As far as acting goes, nearly everyone excelled, whether they were the narrator, the villain, or the lowly black-market ticketwallah. Vijay Raaz was wonderful, as could be expected. Diya Mirza was better than I've ever seen her before (and, quite frankly, I'm glad she stuck with Michael at the end - it's like she said, "The face changes, not the heart"). Divya Dutta made lemonade with her small supporting role, and Raveena Tandon and Rinkie Khanna were enjoyable. Namrata Shirodkar was admirable. Aman Verma did his best (I liked him here better than in Baghban but still not much). Sushmita Sen may have been a little over the top, but at least she seemed to enjoy herself.

Overall, I'd recommend this film to experienced Bollywood viewers with a taste for satire, humor more sophistacated than your everyday Hindi comedy.

EDITED TO ADD:

I think I'm the only female blogger not to touch on the ugly-duckling-to-swan storyline. I'm going to come right out and say it: I think this was one of the best "transformation" storylines out there, because while it seemed to be a complete change in Saundarya's appearance, it wasn't. It was a boost of her self-esteem. Remember in her earliest scene - she was not only lamenting her appearance, but her inability to cook and clean and sew. All it took was someone to remove one obstacle (her appearance) to show her how superficial all of the qualities she lacked really were. And I was pleased that she stuck with Michael, even if he only noticed her once she was dolled up, because she acknowledged that feelings run deeper than appearance - she had changed on the outside, not on the inside, and to drop her boytoy for a more handsome accessory would negate the entire point.

Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Hum Aapke Dil Mein Rehte Hain, (1999)

2006-09-25T21:59:00.000-02:30

You know Vijay (Anil Kapoor) is living the life in America because he’s shown driving a convertible jivin’ to a Ricky Martin tune (please never let me use the word “jivin’” in a post again). Of course, that’s just the problem. Father Anupam Kher wants his son to return home to India and take over the family business. When Vijay refuses, Dad decides that marriage will make his son more responsible, but first he needs the perfect bride. That western-dressing Anita with the plotting uncle (Shakti Kapoor) will never do.

Meanwhile, Megha (Kajol) is a girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her older sister is married, but her husband will divorce her unless she has a much-needed heart surgery. Her brother can’t find work. And her younger sister gets herself into trouble and needs to get married in a hurry. Fortunately Meghna is a good worker – and as personal secretary to Anupam Kher, her efficiency, hard-workingness, and responsibility is not overlooked. In fact, she’d be the perfect bahu!

Not surprisingly, Vijay doesn’t want to get married, and he sets one condition: if, in a year, he isn’t satisfied, he will divorce. Meghna only agrees to this condition if it remains a secret, knowing that even a year’s marriage to a rich man will benefit her family endlessly.

So for a year Megha is the perfect wife to Vijay. And he’s not a bad husband. Actually, it looks like some American ideas of feminism have rubbed off on him – when she bends to touch his feet in respect, he does the same to her. And father-in-law adores her: “But puterji, I love you, yaar,” he tells her. Or “Oy, puterji, I love you, God bless you!” or “I will always love you!” Maybe she should have married him.

So after a year Vijay decides that he actually doesn’t like being married.

That’s pretty much when all of the shit hits the fan, because you know within 20 minutes he’s going to want her back, and she won’t be having any of it. Eventually it all culminates into the most screaming-est ending of all time. I guess it never occurs to Vijay to CALL AN AMBULANCE.

The songs – OMG the first song, “Yeh Meri Life Hai.” Talk about your awful English lyrics. This beats Dumb English Lyrics© a hundredfold. “He’s got style, he’s got style, he walks in style, he talks in style. He’s got style, he’s got style, he’s the man with the style, yeah, he’s got style!” And it only gets worse! “Monica and Bill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water/Silly Bill gave her a stain and all he faced was slaughter!”

There’s no way I could be making this up. You have to believe me. It’s horrible. Complete with giant caricatures of the Clintons and a large American flag.

Of course the song doesn’t stop; it’s got more catchy yet stupid English lyrics to throw at us! “W W W dot com com com!” and “Computer meri girlfriend,” which I think tells us more than we really want to know about the hero and, possibly, the lyricist. It’s a shame, because the tune is pretty catchy and the choreography’s not bad, but whoever that lyricist is should be, as they would say in the Old West, dragged into the street and shot.

I wish any of the other songs had made as strong an impression as this one, but out of the bunch only “Chup Gaya” stands out, because it was nice – and when you can’t think of a better word than nice, then that’s not a good thing. That, and “Papa Mein Papa” for its extreme ridiculousness.

Bottom line on the film? If you like bad movies, you'll enjoy this one. Otherwise, it's only recommended for Kajol fans, but just barely.

Call for creativity!

2006-09-24T21:04:00.000-02:30

I don't mean to pimp out one of my blogs on the other again, but this post is very important because I need help.

Professional help.

But anyway.

Elaan, 2005

2006-09-24T02:43:00.000-02:30

You've probably noticed my fewer-and-further-between posting habits as of late. College would be ideal if it weren't for all those pesky classes. Homework has seriously cut into my movie-watching time, but since it will probably be slightly more helpful when it comes to getting me into grad school, it is slightly higher on my list of priorities (below personal hygiene but still far above eating breakfast).

And so, while sometimes I have time to watch a movie, I don't always have the time to write about it afterwards. Today, however, I had plenty of time for both - but even after watching the film Elaan I found that I didn't have much to work with.

It’s an action movie, so the plot is secondary, but I’ll sum it up as best I can in one sentence: Five pretty people try to stop a terrorist. Hey, that was easier than I thought!

Okay, so firstly I saw this film for fake-pretend boyfriend #2, John Abraham. And secondly, this film is absolutely full of “teh pretty,” which I believe is Internet-speak for “the pretty,” so there’s plenty for your eyes to feast on. Whether you prefer the sex appeal of John Abraham, the simmering good looks of Arjun Rampal, or the deep, soulful eyes of Rahul Khanna, there’s a little something for everyone to watch. Oh yeah, in the spirit of “something for everyone,” there’s girls in this movie, too – Miss Universe and former Derek-Jeter-dater Lara Dutta and “my facial features are so oddly proportioned that I must be pretty” Amisha Patel. And for those who like their golden oldies, there’s Mithun Chakravorty, of Disco Dancer fame, playing the evil villain.

There’s nothing really standout in Anu Malik’s score, although the second song in particular is imaginatively portrayed. And the last song, “Anderlu Manderlu,” I think was incorporated into the film solely for its WTF? Factor. It was as if one producer said to another, “Hey, how can we make this oh-so-serious film about foiling terrorism lose all its credibility? I know! Let’s add a very silly song with even sillier choreography!”

In other news, this is the first post that I'm going to try tagging. If this works, I'm going to tag all of my previous entries as well (that will be fun, won't it?).

And so, without further adieu, tags:

Bollywood, Rahul Khanna, Arjun Rampal, Amisha Patel, John Abraham, Lara Dutta, Fake-Pretend-Movie-Boyfriends

Saawan: The Love Season, (2006)

2006-09-18T21:42:00.000-02:30

It's reassuring to realize, especially after watching big-budget, glossy, and sometimes wonderfully excellent films like Rang De Basanti, Bollywood is still churning out some laughably bad films. Saawan: The Love Season is just one example, and it is especially laughably bad.

I'm not quite sure where to start. Well, let's see - I think it's interesting that Saawan Kumar wrote, directed, and produced this movie. Um, if you're going to name your movie after yourself, that's not only amazingly egotistical; at least make sure your film isn't completely awful, first. I haven't seen any of his earlier films, but I remember Dil Pardesi Ho Gaya garnering a bit of attention, and I think he was successful years ago. And Chaand Ka Tukdaa sounds completely cracktastic, and I'd love to see it. But that doesn't mean that Saawan: The Love Season is worth a watch at all.

That isn't to say you won't like it. I, for one, was in stitches for much of the film. I doubt that was poor Saawan's intention, however. It starts rather abrubtly with a dance number that introduces us to our heroine, the pretty-if-bland Kaajal. She's ready for love, she declares in Dumb English Lyrics©. It's not long before she encounters Raj (I think his name was Raj, I forget - for the purposes of this review, Raj it will be). Although he takes a shine to her right away, she doesn't feel the same; a few scenes later though they're all "songy and dancey."

From this point on my post is rife with spoilers, so if you have any intention of ever seeing this film (God help you) stop reading now.

Suddenly Salman Khan, who looks like he hasn't washed his hair since Tere Naam, shows up. He talks to God. A lot. More specifically, God tells him when bad things are going to happen. (Salman explains this by saying that for God, "outgoing calls are free.") So when Kaajal walks into a busy street chatting on her cellphone, God tells Salman that there's going to be an accident, and he pulls her to safety. He then tells her that her father will die at nine that night, which also happens to be her birthday and her engagement. And I'm not sure why that's relevant, even in the film, but there it is.

Kaajal is then convinced that Salman is a psychic and pesters him to tell her when she's going to die. After some hemming and hawing, Salman tells her Friday. Yes, Friday. As in the end of that week. She takes the news well, becoming morbidly cheerful and running off to report then news to her fiance. On Thursday she tells him she wants to die a married woman (in Hollywood, of course, this would translate to "I don't want to die a virgin" which is a stupid sentiment, because in horror films virgins never die - and trust me, this film is horror-ble). Chuck (or what was his name? Rahul? I've decided to change it to Chuck) marries her instantly and they spend Kaajal's last night before "death day" canoodling.

On Friday morning, after Kaajal serves Chuck a healthy, hearty breakfast (because that's how I'd want to spend my last day on earth - cooking) and jokes about her own death. Chuck suggests that, too take their minds of her imminent demise, they go shopping. That's wonderful. I mean, if I know I'm going to kick the bucket ASAP I think I want to increase my "can't take it with you" pile. Of course, Kaajal is caught in the line of fire when five or six policeman chasing a thief open fire in a crowded public place (glad to see that everyone got in the spirit of not using their heads today).

As Kaajal lies on the operating table, Chuck decides it's payback time; he finds Salman's house and abrubtly flips out and kills someone. I mean that, really - he beats Salman Khan to death. There's some sort of "a life for a life" switch here, because as soon as Salman expires Kaajal begins bouncing on her hospital bed like a fish out of water, and ta da! Happy ending for all. Except Salman. And whoever watches this film.

Ultimately I cared more about the comedy side-track than the main storyline of the film. Johnny Lever and Bobby/Dolly Darling were infinitely less annoying than anything else about Saawan.

Tags: Johnny Lever, Salman Khan, Dumb English Lyrics

Rang De Basanti, 2006

2006-09-16T18:37:00.000-02:30

If I were to sum up my feelings about Rang De Basanti in one sentence, it would be this:

I have a crush on every boy.

Unfortunately, while that sentence is entirely accurate (yes, even Atul Kulkarni stole my heart in this one), it says nothing about the nature of the film, nor does it do the film justice. At this point, I'm not sure if my flimsy reviewing could do it justice either, especially since I watched the film in parts rather than all at once, and I only just finished it now.

Let me start by commenting on the acting. Firstly, I've become very apprehensive about films that feature white people in major roles. In my experience, their accents have bothered me and the acting seems unnatural to me (yes, even Rachel Shelley bothered me in Lagaan). I don't know what it is; maybe I subconsciously compare them to all of the great Hollywood actors I'm familiar with, maybe I'm just jealous - whatever. Still, I'm pleased to say that Alice Patten neither bothered me nor was lacking in acting in any way. Across the board, everyone was excellent in this film. The entire cast seemed to feed of off one anothers' performances in ways that served to enhance the three-dimensionality of their characters.

I think everything about this film was beautiful - the locales, the cinematography, the songs. The story was brilliant, the characters believable, the conflicts realistic. It's a film to really make you think, a film that's unafraid to put out there what needs to be put out there. As a film, it's nearly perfect, I think.

After all that, though, I still can't figure out whether I liked it.

This film raises, for me, questions that I don't think it intended to. One in particular is the issue of gender politics in this cultural setting - why were only the men able to sacrifice their lives? Why were the women left at the end? Then there's all the moral and ethical issues - when and when isn't it justifiable to take a life? Aren't there better ways of bringing attention to the issues? Then there are political and postcolonial concerns and, of course, now my historical interest has been piqued. But I suppose the film ultimately accomplished what it meant to: it raises questions.

Tags: Fake-Pretend-Movie-Boyfriends, Aamir Khan, Kunal Kapoor, A. R. Rehman, Soha Ali Khan, Atul Kulkarni, Siddharth, Sharman Joshi

So I officially fail...

2006-09-11T18:50:00.000-02:30

... at Bollywood Songs DVD Week. Sorry. I forgot that the semester had just started and that my classes, unfortunately, always come first, and so I dropped the ball on that one. Fortunately, both Babasko and Beth picked up the ball, ran with it, and scored a touchdown.

And, as much as I would like to extend Bollywood Songs DVD Week to Bollywood Songs DVD Two-Weeks or even Bollywood Songs DVD Month, it's hard reviewing songs DVDs, especially when I've just got Rang De Basanti, Sanjay Jha's Praan Jaye Par Shaan Na Jaye, and a surprise south Indian film to watch this week!

So, in conclusion, I'm sorry that I did not follow through with Bollywood Songs DVD Week very well. Trust me, I have more songs DVDs in spades, so you have not seen the last of them.

We'll return to our regularly scheduled programming in a moment.

2006-09-07T14:50:00.000-02:30

Okay, so I've gotten a truckload of e-mails letting me know that there's a Bollywood movie being filmed in Manhattan.

Thanks for the heads-up, ladies and gents, but I already know. The film is tentatively titled Ta Ra Pum or Don't Worry Be Happy some such nonsense, starring Saif Ali Khan and Rani Mukherjee. They already filmed a large portion of the film in North Carolina (racing? NASCAR? what now?) and now they're in NYC.

I've already looked into it. They're looking for Indian extras, so if anyone is Indian (or can pass for such) and lives nearby, you're welcome to it. Unfortunately I neither fit their description nor do I have the time or energy to stalk sets, so... no. Sorry. But thanks anyway. There will always be another film, not to worry!

Best of Best, (2005)

2006-09-06T03:59:00.000-02:30

This songs DVD is supposed to follow a theme – the best songs from the best movies. While that selection is debatable, it does deliver fifty-four great songs from fifty years of Indian film. The DVD goes in a somewhat chronological order, starting with a few classy songs in black and white and eventually ending with some tunes post-2000.

Highlights:

Songs from films such as Mr. and Mrs. ’55, C.I.D., Chori Chori and Pyaasa
It’s sad to admit that I haven’t seen very many early Indian films. In fact, I think the oldest Bollywood films I’ve seen are Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi and Mother India, two vastly different films. It’s great to see some oldies on this DVD, because otherwise I’d probably never see or hear these songs. Sure, they’re not exactly my cup of tea, but they’re worth checking out anyway.

“Hamein Kaale Hain” from Gumnaam
It’s a booty-shaking Helen number. What’s not to love? Fantastic sets, elaborate costumes, ridiculously mustachioed household help, and the irrepressible Helen herself.

“Chand Mera Dil” from Hum Kisise Kum Nahin
Remember that song Shahrukh Khan couldn’t help but sing in Sushmita Sen’s presence in Main Hoon Na? Well, this is the original! (Aside: why does everything seem to go back to Main Hoon Na? That movie was so chockfull of allusions and only now I’m getting some of them).

“Aey Mere Humsafar” from Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak
I don’t care for the picturization so much, but definitely give the song a listen. Even if you don’t understand Hindi, I think you can appreciate its inherent romance.

“Ek Ladki Ko Dekha” from 1942: A Love Story
Besides the fact that Anil Kapoor is wearing women’s pajamas in the beginning of the song, both the song and its picturization are really sweet.

“Chaiyan Chaiyan” from Dil Se
Of course this song belongs on this DVD! It’s become to iconic to leave out.

“Odhani” from Tere Naam
I only watched Tere Naam this past weekend and I was blown away by it. I think that’s distorting my objectivity slightly, but at least I can admit that I’m glad they chose this song over Mahima Chaudhary’s average item number.

Unhighlights:

“Babuji Zara” from Dum
I’m not quite sure this song belongs on this DVD at all. If it’s the best at something, it’s the best at making Totally Basmatic both uncomfortable and disgusted. It starts off as your run-of-the-mill item number, but one costume change later and there’s glistening dancers writhing in S&M outfits. Is it sexy to pour a bottle of wine down someone’s leg and drink it as it comes down their foot? What a waste of wine.

“Ek Kunwara” from Masti
All right, as much as I love Masti and all its inherent silliness, I cannot fathom how this dance number is the “best of best.” The song’s not really that good, and the item girl is absolutely talentless.

“Main Hoon Na” and “Chale Jaise Hawaien” from Main Hoon Na
No, my beef is not with either of these songs. I love them both. I love them dearly. But Main Hoon Na is the only film that has not one but two songs on this DVD. Why is that? Why couldn’t they have just picked one? Who makes these decisions? I wish I did. I bet I could compile a pretty kick-ass songs DVD.

Honorable Mention for Dumb English Lyrics
By default this award goes to “Naa Na Karte” from Dhadkan, which contains the banal phrase “I’m in love… I’m in love… I am in loooooove.” While this phrase in and of itself is not really that dumb, the only other song on the DVD to include English lyrics is “Kaatein Nahin” from Mr. India, which has the even more average “I love you” repeated a few times in the chorus. I think all the other songs on this DVD are exclusively in Hindi.

Bollywood Fresh Vol. 2, (2005)

2006-09-05T00:51:00.000-02:30

Now, let’s be honest here – reviewing a songs DVD is not going to be easy. There’s no plot to pick apart, no characterization to worry about; really, there’s little thinking involved at all. They’re simply compilations of music videos or film songs, so I’ve broken it down into categories for review: Highlights, Un-Highlights, and Honorable Mention for Dumb English Lyrics. So let’s move on to our first songs DVD, shall we?

(As an aside – all the songs DVDs I’m reviewing this week are released by Eros Entertainment and do have subtitles, unless otherwise stated.)

Bollywood Fresh Vol. 2

I’m not quite sure how I missed Vol. 1. This songs DVD contains songs from more recent releases. All kinds of songs are included – dance songs, sad songs, love songs, etc. – from a variety of movies with a variety of stars.

Highlights:

“Tinka tinka” from Karam
Okay, so I’ll grant that the picturization is slightly strange – Priyanka in red singing on a dais in front of a crowd, supported by two background dancers dressed as… butterflies? Fairies? I’m not sure. But the tune is haunting and the cinematography is intriguing. Now I’m wondering if Karam is a good movie to see; the other songs (“Tera Hi Karam” and “Le Jaa”), although incorporating my fake-pretend boyfriend John Abraham looking particularly emo, have some serious WTF elements – cross-dressers snorting cocaine and playing with guns, violence against women, electrical torture, wrist-slitting, and KISS makeup.

All the songs from Socha Na Tha
This movie stars no one I’ve seen, although the hero is Abhay Deol, Esha’s cousin and Dharmendra and Hema Malini’s nephew. All of the songs are cute and energetic, and I’m particularly intrigued by the beginning of “Yaara Rub,” which starts “It was a match that everyone approved of… still, they eloped.” Sounds interesting, at least.

“Chunri re Chunri” from Insan
Okay, so the titular chunri from this song is absolutely seizure-inducing (think kindergarten finger-painting in neon blues, purples, and yellows), but I love this song because of its silly choreography. Akshay Kumar comes across as very old-school Shammi Kapoor, wearing a goofy grin throughout, and it seems even more time-warpy when Esha looks just like her mother. Not going to lie, I watched this one twice just now to write this little blurb.

The songs from Main Hoon Na
If you don’t like these songs, I don’t know if we can be friends.

The songs from Shabd
I like these songs – they strike an interesting contrast between the colorful world shared by Aiswarya Rai and Zayed Khan and the dark, isolated world of Sanjay Dutt. The songs are appealing, and some of them incorporate this neat special effect of letters falling thingy. And Zayed looks adorable. But I’ve been discouraged from watching this movie, I guess it’s the slowest story ever. “Sholon Si” for its salsa dance vibe and the throaty way the male singer sings.

“Piya Bawri” from Deewaar
This song makes me laugh and laugh and laugh because it seems so ridiculous and yet so cute. Petite Amrita Rao does her best to get into Akshaye Khanna’s pants, and it amuses me to no end to see her pin him on the stairs, against the wall, etc. – she’s so little and he’s so frightened! But he does a really good job holding out (he must have Beth on his mind) until it starts to rain. Oh, rain – it’s gotta ruin everything. It’s clear the heroine has one thing on her mind, but the song ultimately comes across as more silly than sexy.

“Pyar Mein Sau Uljhanein” from Kyun! Ho Gaya Na
So this movie wasn’t… well, it wasn’t that great, but I love this song. It sounds and kind of looks like it belongs in an old Hollywood musical, and it’s got this great kind of energy. I wonder why, anytime I go to the bar, the choreography doesn’t turn out this good.

Un-highlights:

The songs from Kisna
This movie could have been so good, but it was so not. The songs are beautiful, but their picturizations are marred by poor direction, lackluster cinematography, Vivek Oberoi badly pretending to play a flute, and sometimes random images juxtaposed against one another (Horses? What?).

The songs from Bewafaa
Not only does this movie feature Akshay Kumar in my least favorite avatar (that of aspiring celebrity), but the movies seem like they were written in the wrong decade. I can’t help but think these songs are suffering from serious eighties-itis, and the picturizations reflect that too. The only actor who seems completely comfortable with this is Anil Kapoor, perhaps because he was actually making movies in the eighties. Kehta Hai Kabutar

“Raatein Badi Hain” from Asambhav
Please don’t watch this song if you’re epileptic, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you. The split-screens, the cuts between Naseeruddin Shah and Priyanka Chopra, the unremitting use of animal print in interior decorating - it’s crazy. On a positive note, it does have Arjun Rampal. Wet. No shirt. Plus fire.

Honorable Mentions for Dumb English Lyrics

“Hamnasheen” from Dobara. Example: "Moment to moment, let's live this moment" and "Life is once, only once, time and tide wait for none."

“Rain Rain Rain” from Insan. For starters, they’re indoors.

“Teri Kurti Sexy Lagti Hai” from Vaada. A tamer version of “I’m Too Sexy for My Kurti,” I suppose. While Arjun Rampal seems fixated on Amisha Patel’s clothes, they are the most un-sexy that I have ever seen. One thing I like that its insult-joke comedy appeal – “Your face is sexy.” “Oh yeah? Well, your mom is sexy.”

Bollywood Songs DVD Week!

2006-09-04T10:56:00.000-02:30

Do you like songs DVDs? I like songs DVDs. I love songs DVDs. I love them wholeheartedly and unabashedly.

Many of you may not know what I’m talking about. Songs DVDs are DVDs that only contain songs from an assortment of Bollywood movies (although I have a songs DVD that contains some songs from some Tamil films as well). A good songs DVD will have maybe 45 or 50 songs on it, sometimes focused on a theme (like love, or songs in the rain, or masti songs) or a particular actor or actress (or one actor/actress vs. another, a la Shahrukh vs. Hrithik).

Songs DVDs are great to have, because sometimes even though a movie is not worth owning, its songs might be cute and fun to watch over and over again. Or perhaps you’re a big fan of so-and-so, but you don’t know about all the films so-and-so has been in – get a songs DVD featuring them. Maybe you just don’t have the time or attention span to watch an entire film; popping in a songs DVD is a good way to get your daily dose of Bollywood while still being about to focus on doing something else, like folding laundry or doing homework.

Songs DVDs are also awesome because they open up a new world of different actors, actresses, and films to discover. It’s easy to find songs DVDs with a balance of songs that you already know and ones that you don’t.

Anyway, this week I’m devoting my posts to songs DVDs, because I love them and I think everyone else should, too! It’s time to put my recent purchases to good use in the name of Bollywood Songs DVDs Week here at Totally Basmatic!

reKANKed

2006-09-04T01:18:00.000-02:30

So I just rewatched Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna with my sister (not Fireball, she's a chump - I went with my younger sister, who would like to be referred to as "Shahrukh's Number One Fan," but I've kaiboshed that idea and decided to call her "Red") and I loved it all over again. She loved it too. And then we went home and watched Pyare Mohan and I cried much harder than I did for KANK, but that might be attributed to the drink I just had. I... I... I just get emotional, that's all. In between, though, we went to Jackson Heights and each spent far more money on DVDs than we should have, considering neither of us have bought books for the semester. Clearly we have our priorities straight.

I would like to send out my love to each and every one of you. You guys are great - it brightens my day everytime I see a comment left, or an extra email in my inbox. It gives me the "warm and fuzzies," you know.

Well, now Red is doing her laundry (I have a washer and dryer, she doesn't) and we're watching a songs DVD we just got. Do you guys watch songs DVDs? I'm going to have to post about them next - they're all kinds of awesome; I totally suggest investing in one or two or twelve.

Shakira + Farah Khan = something I should have seen coming

2006-09-01T19:52:00.000-02:30

For those of you who don't belong to the MTV generation and perhaps missed the Video Music Awards last night... I don't even know how to explain this. Shakira, Colombian music sensation, was on hand to perform her hit song "Hips Don't Lie." Unlike the music video, her live performance was choreographed by none other than Bollywood veteran Farah Khan.

I'm not going to tell you what to think; just head on over here and draw your own conclusions.

Dil Maange More!!!, (2004)

2006-08-30T16:47:00.000-02:30

To help me recover from my KANK-over, I figured I better start spending time with my fake-pretend-movie-boyfriends. To recap, I have five FPMB: Kunal Kapoor, Shahid Kapoor, Riteish Deshmukh, Dino Morea, and my personal favorite, John Abraham.

So you may think that I'm a little greedy, but there's reasoning behind having so many FPMBs. According to Jill Connor Browne's Sweet Potato Queen, every woman needs at least five men in their lives at all times: a man to fix things, a man to shop with, a man to talk to, a man to dance with, and a man for "honka bonka bonks," if you've seen Dil Se. So, clearly, my having five FPMB has a precedent, at least among rural southern beauty pageant queens.

So I've decided which FPMB is my "dance with" man: Shahid Kapoor.

Because let's get one thing straight: he can MOVE.

Apparently he moves too well to be contained in an ordinary love-triangle story; in Dil Maange More!!!, he has the unusual problem of three girls in love with him at once. First there’s Neha (Soha Ali Khan, Saif’s younger sister, in her film debut), our hero’s girlfriend of four years. She ditches him, however, for the chance to become an airhostess, and Nikhil Mathur (that’s Shahid), chases her to Mumbai. He fails to convince her, and she takes off (literally and figuratively, I guess). He takes up a job at a music store while awaiting her return. There he meets Sara (Tulip Joshi), and he develops a crush. When he finds out that she’s affianced, his heart breaks again. When he learns that his obnoxious, pugnacious neighbor Shagun (Ayesha Takia), had fallen in love with him at first sight, he decides it’s time for him to get the hell out of Mumbai, but of course he loses his heart once again.

Of course, when there's three girls competing for one guy, you know there's going to be an exciting climax. In fact, Dil Maange More!!! (yes, there are three exclamation points in the title) has the three girls throwing each other off a boat. Then they all start drowning. It's not only exciting, it's absurd and silly. In fact, while the film is enjoyable, it's all absurd and silly. It's a great showcase for Shahid's dancing skills, though. He's almost as smooth as Hrithik.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna, (2006)

2006-08-29T01:09:00.000-02:30

So clearly I am posting this immediately after watching the movie, sleep be damned. I feel as though I have to get this out right away, because I don't want the strength of my feelings to fade.

I'm going to be honest.

I'm not going to hold back.

It's going to be brutal.

I'm going to tell you the complete truth.

I LOVED IT.

I almost hate to admit it, because this film had everything going against it from the minute I walked into the theater. My expectations were low, critics hadn't been kind, and it appears that the box office hasn't either. Still, there was a decent crowd for a Monday night showing, but I was still reserved. Knowing what the movie was about (adultery! infidelity! oh me oh my!) definitely dampened my view of it.

But I won't lie to you - after the obligatory 10 minutes of exposition, I was in stitches almost clear 'til intermission. I was laughing so hard I cried, including when I saw myself on-screen (more about that later). And then, just as you get comfortable with the film's lightheartedness and humor, the drama hits you like a punch in the gut. There's no middle ground in this film - Karan Johar will try to push your emotions to the extreme, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't work on me.

And it's not that I was pulled in by the characters' likeableness, which is the case for so many Bollywood films. Hell, the characters were downright dislikable, for the most part: Dev (Shahrukh Khan) is nasty and bitter and a terrible father; his wife Rhea (Preity Zinta) is too ambitious to devote much time to either her husband or her son. Maya (Rani Mukherjee) is distant and cold; her spouse Rishi (Abhishek Bachchan) is hilarious but childish, and with a one-track mind (he clearly gets that from his father). Even the parents, Samaljit (Amitabh Bachchan) and Kamaljit (Kirron Kher) were imperfect. It's the character flaws that get the ball rolling, and the story that pulls you in. Sometimes heads are rolling, sometimes hearts are breaking - and if you're as involved in the film as I was, you'll enjoy every minute of it. And I loved the guest appearances, too.

Now about my infamous "part" in the film (spoilers ahead, so be warned!), yes, I was an extra, and yes, I can be seen. The first time I can be seen is when Maya sprains her ankle and is being put into an ambulance - if you look to the far right top corner, I'm descending the stairs wearing a red coat and a green scarf.

The next part I'm in I just love, because I am a freaking continuity error! All by myself! It's me in the red coat again - in the first scene with Dev and Maya descending the stairs at the train station, when they're arguing, I run behind them about a kajillion times. I kind of lost track of myself, but I think this is the sequence in which I go by: first I go downstairs talking on a cell phone. Then I reach the bottom of the stairs and all of a sudden turn around and run back up (the PAs had us keep moving in order to make it appear like there were more people at the "station"). These first two times I'm to Dev and Maya's left. Then I think I go upstairs again chatting with another girl. Then I come downstairs, behind Dev and Maya, arguing with some guy. And then, towards the end of the scene, I run upstairs diagonally behind them. Anyway, with all this going on, I went upstairs twice in a row at one point, and then at another I came downstairs twice in a row. I must have given the ediitors a freaking heart attack. "Oh no! What shall we do about this girl in the red coat?" "She's so freaking close to the stars in every shot, I don't know! She'll just have to be in all of it!" "Do you think anyone will catch on?" "No, no one will notice. I bet there are lots of girls in red coats and green scarves and blue bags running all over Manhattan."

In my defense (as though anyone else will notice this goof and use it to assail the film, the director, or, more specifically, me) I was only doing as I was told. When I signed up to be an extra, I was told not to wear black (black is the New Yorker's uniform, I'm not sure why they didn't want us to look like New Yorkers). I was also directed to run in all those directions by Sahira Nair, who not only played the Indian reporter in the beginning of the movie, and is not only Mira Nair's neice, and who is not only appearing as Sonia Gogol in The Namesake, but is also a genuinely nice person (especially to us lowly extras) so be nice to her.

I think I could see myself in two other scenes in the movie. I think I caught a glimpse of myself during the cafe montage, but that may have to wait to be determined when I get the DVD. I was also in the scene when Sam and Kamaljit discover Dev and Maya's affair (that's the one with me in the burgundy blouse) but since I am sans suitcase, I am hard to spot. I didn't see my sisters at all, but I will do my best to find them next time I watch it (because you know there's going to be a next time... probably this weekend...).

Of course, please don't take this review as an affirmation of the movie's perfection. There were some very definite flaws, mainly that KARAN JOHAR HAS MANGLED NEW YORK CITY GEOGRAPHY and I don't know if I can forgive that. Why did Dev and Maya always buy tickets at the Metro-North counter at faux-Grand Central Station (actually a station in Connecticut) and then take the SEPTA train (which services only Philadelphia and the surrounding area)? Speaking of Grand Central Station, there is no way "up" into it - it's completely underground. There are no above-ground platforms or grand stairway entrances. And why did Dev and Maya meet at Exchange Place in Jersey City so often? And why did they frequent cafes in Brooklyn? I know, I know - Karan Johar wanted beautiful vistas of the Manhattan skyline, without explaining why the characters were suddenly outside of Manhattan.

It's a mature topic for an Indian movie to handle, and it handled it well. This is not a film for the whole family to enjoy, but so leave the tots at home - it's an evening out for adults. I'll leave you now to form your own opinions of the movie, so feel free to agree or disagree with my assessment. The true test will be whether it's just as good when rewatched; I may have more to write this weekend if I see it again.

KANKED out yet? Not quite.

2006-08-28T13:40:00.000-02:30

Tonight I'm going with some friends to see KANK, finally, even though most of them have already seen it. I'm really looking forward to it for three reasons:

1. We're seeing it at the theater that serves samosas at the refreshment stand.

2. I'll get to see how I look onscreen (my guess: abnormally pale.)

3. I'm going with my real-life fake-pretend boyfriend. Yes, as if I didn't have enough fake-pretend boyfriends, I have one in real life as well. I've mentioned him before, I think - his name is Tinu, and we've seen lots of movies together. His best friend and my best friend have been dating for... wow, it's been three years already. So everytime his best friend and my best friend have a date to see a movie, especially a Bollywood movie, Tinu and I get to tag along. And we pretend we're boyfriend-and-girlfriend, which makes the whole thing a fake-pretend double date. I love watching movies with him, because he often makes wildly inaccurate predictions about how the movie will end during the intermission.

I'm not looking forward to it, however, for these reasons:

1. Showtime is at 8, so it won't be done until almost midnight (that includes the intermission), and I have to work at 7 tomorrow.

2. I'll get to see how I look onscreen (my guess: abnormally pale).

3. My friend Listy accidentally spoiled the movie for me, and I don't know if I'm going to like it based on her summary.

Ah well. Expect a post tomorrow about my reactions to the film, if all goes well!

Anamika, (1973)

2006-08-26T10:05:00.000-02:30

The life of a successful novelist is changed one night when he and his family witness a woman thrown out of a car. And when that woman is Jaya Bhaduri, you know there’s going to be one hell of an explanation.

The author, Devendra (Sanjeev Kumar) insists on calling the police, but his uncle convinces him to take her home to save her and her family’s reputation. As it turns out, however, the woman suffers from a diagnosed case of “amnesia plus wishful thinking,” imagining herself to be Devendra’s wife. Devendra, who has enough woman issues from having been jilted in love, is not happy with the arrangement. He allows the woman, whom he calls Anamika (“the nameless one”), to stay, hoping that her mental condition will gradually improve.

Things get even more mysterious after Devendra’s publisher’s son rolls in. Soon after there’s kidnapping, intrigue, deceit, arson, attempted murder - and to make matters worse, just as Devendra opens his heart to Anamika, he learns that she’s married, or worse, a prostitute. At first she was a woman without an identity, but after a while Devendra is unable to reconcile her diverse identities with the image of the woman he loves.

Comic relief provided courtesy of Hanuman Singh, Devendra’s daydreaming secretary. Mod dance numbers provided courtesy of Helen as Miss Ruby. Music provided courtesy of the ever-wonderful R.D. Burman.

The complaint I most often hear about older Bollywood movies is that their pace is too slow for our MTV attention spans - this is not the case with Anamika. It barely tops two hours, complete with song. The effect is that the movie is condensed appropriately, and only seems to lag in parts. In any case, the performances of Sanjeev Kumar and Jaya Bhaduri should keep you tuned in.

Caravan, 1971

2006-08-23T22:46:00.000-02:30

What do you get when you get “Jumping Jack” Jeetendra, sixties comedy queen Asha “Baby Got Back” Parekh, not one but two classic Bollywood vamps, an appealing child actor, a band of gypsies, a theater full of chickens, and some unforgettable tunes by R.D. Burman?

You get a film that is wholeheartedly and unabashedly basmatic, of course!

Caravan starts on an exciting note – the beginning is narrated by Sunita (Asha Parekh) who speeds down a winding mountain road only to crash dramatically. Sunita helpfully tells us about her husband, Rajan, who is a thief, a cheat, and a murderer – the consummate villain, it would seem. How basmatic already!

How could you murder such a sweetheart?

Fortunately for us, Sunita jumped out of her moving vehicle just in time, otherwise this would be a very short movie indeed. Sunita disguises herself as a village belle and hitches a ride to Bombay with a truck driver, Mohan (Jeetendra) and his perpetually drunk friend, Johnny. After the immortal Helen number “Piya tu ab to aaja,” Sunita realizes that she must hightail it to Bangalore before she is caught by Rajan’s men. She stows away in Mohan’s truck once again, helped by Mohan’s adorable little brother, Montu.

I tell you what, if this were 30 years ago, he'd be my fake-pretend movie boyfriend.

The truck, however, is not going to Bangalore directly; hired by a band of acting, dancing gypsies, Mohan is bound to take them wherever the road leads. Here we meet Nisha (Aruna Irani), the group’s “special actress” who is intensely in love with Mohan and intensely jealous of Sunita, whom Mohan has taken on as a servant, unaware of her true identity. There’s humor, there’s dancing, there’s secret identities and disguises, there’s fighting and kidnapping and small children performing feats of strength – what’s not to love?

Sexy, psychotic, and a little too good with knives.

The funniest thing to me, however, is that Mohan considers himself a somewhat educated man, and speaks in garbled Hinglish. His lines are pretty basmatic: “Shame not coming you me!” or “Me calling you, ay? Not coming coming soon!”

The soundtrack alone should make you seek out this film. It’s packed with memorable R.D. Burman tunes from the very start – from “Piya tu” and “Dilbar dil se” and “Chadhti jawani” to “Damiya Yeh Mai Kaha Aa Fasi,” “Aab jo mile” and “Kitna pyaara wada,” all the songs in this film are catchy, danceable, and otherwise awesomely awesome.

By the way, do you know what else is awesomely awesome? My new blog. Clearly all of my basmatic-ness can no longer be contained in just one.

Maine Pyar Kyun Kiya, (2005)

2006-08-21T23:05:00.000-02:30

Check your brains at the door, please – you won’t be needing them for David Dhawan’s latest mindless comedy. Dhawan’s films are silly to the point of stupidity, but they never make me laugh like Indra Kumar’s similarly stupid films do. I think it’s because of the characters – I never quite get attached to the characters in DD’s films the way I do with IK’s characters. Dhawan often takes a hero who is significantly flawed, whereas IK’s characters are as good as gold who just find themselves in awkward, compromising situations.

Case in point – Sameer (Salman Khan), a doctor who lies to women about being married in order to avoid commitment (this fact isn’t revealed for a while in the film, so if you didn’t know this going into the movie, you’d probably be very confused for the first half an hour). This backfires on him when he really falls for Sonia (Katrina Kaif, who I’ve never seen in a film before and never plan to see again), who insists on meeting his fake-pretend wife before their fake-pretend divorce so Sonia can marry Sameer with a clean conscience.

So where does Sameer look for a fake-pretend wife? He doesn’t look very far – his nurse Naina (Sushmita Sen) would be perfect for the role. Things quickly get out of hand, however, when Sameer has to invent other fake-pretend family members (fake-pretend children, fake pretend wife’s boyfriend…) and his slap-happy mother arrives just in time to stop the fake-pretend divorce from going through the fake-pretend court. Taking her fake-pretend bahu to be her real bahu causes complications for all concerned.

The comic relief is neither comical nor relieving. There’s Sonia’s neighbor, Pyare Mohan (a clear reference to another, previously reviewed film), who develops a crush on Sonia and makes both the doctor’s and the viewers’ lives miserable. Then there’s Arshad Warsi in a pointless, thankless role, and Rajpal Yadav, whose flirtation with Nurse Naina is genuinely funny to me because she's about twice his height.

The songs are all pretty forgettable. It seems that the one common tie they all have, however, is that for the most part they have stupid English lyrics – “Wanna spend the rest of my life with you, o sanam” or “This angle main hain triangle,” or “You’re the one for me, o jaana you’re mine” or, if your English vocabulary is limited to two words, you can sing along with “Just chill chill, just chill chill, just chill chill, just chill.”

At the end of the movie, though, I could have cared less who ended up with whom, as long as the movie itself ended soon.

Plains, Trains, and Automobiles!

2006-08-21T08:53:00.000-02:30

It took two flights, a train, and two buses to get back to my apartment yesterday, and when I reached I discovered that I had no keys. That was spectacular. Fortunately I was able to crash at a friend's house. I guess there really couldn't have been a better day for forgetting keys, since I had my suitcase with everything I needed with me.

Oh! And good news! While I was home I checked my voicemail on Sunday. A friend of mine left a message that went a little something like this:

"OHMYGODsoIjustsawKabhiAlvidaNaaKehnaandISAWYOUINIT! I mean,
I couldn't see your face but I saw you in your red coat with your blue bag and your long hair and you were running behind ShahrukhandRani and I'm a little bit jealous, not a lot jealous but a little bit, but call me back because I'm really excited that's so AWESOME you were on the screen for like three seconds!"

I couldn't find a picture of me with the little blue bag, but here is a picture of me in the red coat with a friend of mine from the set.

I still haven't seen the movie yet (my friend neglected to tell me if she even liked it) but when I do I'll try to write a just, unbiased review of it for all of you!

Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahani PART THE SECOND

2006-08-20T05:11:00.000-02:30

Things I have done over the course of the past few days to avoid finishing Jaani Dushman for the sake of this ongoing review:

cleaned my room
did extra tasks for my job
bathed four gerbils
played computer games
got my foot stuck in drying cement
fell down the stairs

Finally I had to bribe myself with ice cream to get myself to sit down and finish this film. And then? For whatever reason, my laptop was spazzing out and wouldn't play the goshdarned DVD. Even my computer thinks this film is too bad for anyone to watch.

Normally, I really do enjoy a good bad movie; you can laugh at it, if not with it. But this... there is something to inherently wrong with Jaani Dushman that I really can't just check my brain at the door, sit back, and enjoy. The morality of this film is so incredibly skewed that it completely taints any mocking pleasure I might have derived from this movie. First of all, in what world is it considered flattery for someone to try and rape a girl? I am utterly flabbergasted by an early scene in the movie wherein forgiveness for attempted rape is bargained for with a joke. It sets the tone, it really does.

Next we have the fact that a whole bunch of characters meet dire ends - death or otherwise - throughout the course of the movie. Most of the characters have their butts handed to them by Manisha and her snakey-man boyfriend, who use cheap special effects in lieu of supernatural powers to grind their ax. I'm not sure whether those two are supposed to be heroes or villains; if their cause was justified, they'd more clearly be good guys, but despite having quasi-divine status, they have their facts wrong and are tormenting and killing innocent people. To me, that's completely pointless. I realize that that's kind of a standard setup for a lot of horror films, but... this is just a whole different kind of horrible, really.

I don't even know what most of the characters were there for, now that I think about it. Hey, I have an idea! a scriptwriter must have said. Let's insert every type of cliched Bollywood we can think of, without actually devoting any screentime to develop either the plots or the characters involved in them! Hoo-ray, now we can get that Swiss love song in here after all! I think my favorite parts of the whole movie were the advertisements that played before the movie actually started.

Stilted dialogue, overdone sentimentality, lackluster choreography, horrendous fight scenes, awful acting... I've been able to enjoy a movie in spite of (or because of) all these things. But Jaani Dushman is unique in that the most fun I derived from it was the pleasantly dizzy feeling I got after banging my head against the wall in utter frustration from this film. In the words immortalized by Zayed Khan in Main Hoon Na: AVOID, YAAR. Lest my suffering be rendered futile.

Oh, the things I do out of love for my sister. And Hello Brother! Indeed.

Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahani (2002) - PART THE FIRST

2006-08-16T01:43:00.000-02:30

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to start out this post by announcing that I am NOT Totally Basmatic. I mean, I am totally basmatic, I'm just not THE Totally Basmatic. I do, however, happen to be Totally Basmatic's twin sister (y'all can call me Fireball if you please, or Sparky, even) and, as far as I can tell, I have the dubious distinction of doing the first ever guest post for this here blog. See, my sister went and procured for me one of my most favorite Bollywood guilty pleasures ever (Hello, Brother!) so it seemed only right for me to give back to her in the cheapest-- um, I mean most genuine way I could think of: with a guest review of a movie I've seen but she hasn't.

But why oh why did it have to be Jaani Dushman?

Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahani is the absolute worst movie I've ever seen in my life, ever. And I've subjected myself to quite a lot of B-movie fare over the years, including Manos: The Hands of Fate. I'm going to tell you straight out, if you see this movie in the bargain bin (which is where I found it), for the love of all that is holy, LEAVE IT THERE. Seriously, this film ought to come with some sort of surgeon's general warning. For your sanity.

The first reason this movie really, really sucks is because the cast actually contains quite a lot of talented people. Their participation in this film indicates that their decision-making skills have deteriorated from previous ventures, possibly due to severe head trauma. Yes, I think the entire cast may have been beaten braindead just to get them to appear in this film.

The list of victims (or stars, I'm not going to quibble over vocabulary):

Manisha Koirala as a college student, spirit, former snake, named Divya or Vasundhara. I think she answers to both.
Munish Kohli (who IS this guy, anyway?) as a mystical snake-person... thing. I don't think I get this part.
Amrish Puri as a really hairy guy who lives in a dirt house.
Sunny Deol... as himself! All he really does is hit people and look angry. And sing and dance!
Rajat Bedi as probably the biggest creep I have ever seen ever in any movie from any country in any language. Which is a shame, because I've seen him in other films and thought he was pretty good-looking, but his role in this film has forever labeled him as UBER-ICKY in my brain.
Siddharth as the second biggest creep.
Akshay Kumar as Atul, a normal college student who carries a gun with him to campus and doesn't believe in God. The not-believing-in-God thing is a heck of a lot detrimental to everyone's safety in this film than the carrying of concealed weapons ever is. I guess it seems logical... when you're high on drugs.
Sunil Shetty as Vijay, a boxer-type with quite a lot of chest hair. But then, when does Sunil Shetty not have a lot of chest hair?
Aditya Pancholi as Ashok, who is basically the same character he played in Yes Boss and Hameshaa. The only other film I've seen him in was Sailaab with Madhuri Dixit, and after the opening item number, I watched that whole movie on fast forward (I was on a sugar high at the time). So, as far as I can tell, this former underwear model kind of lacks range. Or suffers from serial typecasting, perhaps.
Arshad Warsi as the obligatory comic relief. Unlike in Munna Bhai MBBS, he is NOT FUNNY. NOT. FUNNY. AT. ALL.
Sharad Kapoor as Victor. He's pretty much negligible.
Aftab Shivdasani as Prem, a timid lover boy. Also he's poor, as we know because he wears jeans, sneakers, and flannels. He spends at least half of his screentime getting the crap beat out of him, but I can't say he doesn't deserve it for taking such a stupid role.
Sonu Nigam as Vivek. Apparently this was playback singer Sonu's first actual film appearance, and... yeah, he could have probably done better.
Rambha as Nita, Atul's girlfriend. I've never seen her in anything else before, but you know what? I approve.
Mohini Sharma as Priti, Vijay's girlfriend. Her voice is obviously (and rather badly) dubbed.
Someone I don't know as Seema, Victor's girlfriend. And also Divya's roommate, I think.
Kiran Rathod as Rashmi, who is Ashok's girlfriend but Prem's love interest. Now, I would like to point out right here, right now, that I am TOTALLY PRETTIER THAN HER. Like, seriously. And no, I'm not just saying that because of the enormous crush I have on Aftab Shivdasani, I promise.

Okay. Well. Honestly, that's as far as I am with the review... because that's about as far as I am with the movie. No, I haven't finished watching the damned thing yet. Watching Jaani Dushman is like shaving off my eyebrows with a dull razor: painful, awkward, pointless and really, really, really, really, really dumb. I simply can't do it all in one sitting. Try not to pee your pants awaiting the next installment (to be done soon, before Twinno returns, because she will spork my head off if she comes back to see my effort half-assed and unfinished).

Fireball, signing off and holding Totally Basmatic's pet gerbils hostage in the meantime!

Time to get my "y'all" on

2006-08-10T11:25:00.000-02:30

Mixed bag of emotions today - I'm leaving for a week and a half or so to visit the family down on the farm (It's time to see off the pigs and chickens before they meet their ends at the county fair Labor Day weekend). This is great, because I haven't seen most of my family since the fourth of July, and they'll be excited that I've lost weight, and I'm getting my hair cut, and I'll get to spend a whole week with them, and maybe they'll watch Fanaa with me...

But it also stinks because not only will I be out of town when Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna opens, I'll be in the middle of nowhere when it opens, and all of my friends will be seeing it without me.

Oh well.

Do let me know if you spot me or my two sisters in it, though! Somehow two of us managed to get into stills, so it's not altogether improbable. Best chance would be outside of "Grand Central Station" (it was the city courthouse, really). More importantly, though, enjoy the film!

One 2 Ka 4, 2001

2006-08-06T22:29:00.000-02:30

Shahrukh Khan and Juhi Chawla have done a little bit of everything - action, comedy, romance, kid's films. More specifically, Shahrukh Khan and Juhi Chawla have done a little bit of everything in One 2 Ka 4, a funny, romantic action movie for kids.

The film is centered around Arun Verma (Shahrukh Khan), a police officer who is devoted to his senior partner, Javedbhai (Jackie Schroff). What Arun can't stand, however, are Javedbhai's four kids. He also can't get rid of Geeta (Juhi Chawla), a fast-talking Punjabi girl whose idea of flirting often involves physical harm.

Things quickly get crazy around the department, what with people stealing drugs and getting shot all the time. With all of this going on, someone's eventually going to lose an eye - or their life. That's how Arun ends up the legal guardian of Javedbhai's aforementioned children. Fortunately, he still has Geeta and his old friend Champak (Dilip Joshi) to help him out. Even though the children hate Arun, even accusing him of killing their father, they quickly become attached to Geeta. In spite of her loudness, her violent flirtation, and her constant nagging about vegetables, she even grows on Arun after a while.

On top of abrubtly becoming a father of four, Arun devotes his career to finding Javedbhai's killer, leading him through a tangled web of deceit and corruption. This leads him to a shady nightclub where he sees a sexier Geeta dancing on stage - and he flips out. The dancer denies that she is Geeta, and he returns home to the kids and Champak insisting that she had been there all along. Things go from crazy to crazier as Arun learns more about the plot that killed Javedbhai, and he is only more confused by Geeta's apparent twin. All of this leads to gunfights, physical combat (it turns out that Geeta can kick ass), and the cutest song I've ever heard: "I'm sorry, o sorry, jaane do... Hota hai, chhodo bhi, jaane do!" That's totally on my iPod now.

All said and done, One 2 Ka 4 is an appealing masala film. The SRK-Juhi jodi is as sweet as ever, and both of them are alternately romantic, hilarious, and action-y. Towards the end I became a little confused at the complicated plot, but that's partly because of my own short attention span and the fact that I'm puppy-sitting. It's definitely worth the watch, though - if only for the "I'm sorry" song.

Fanaa, (2006)

2006-08-02T22:59:00.000-02:30

The one movie I really really really wanted to see this summer - no, not Pirates of the Carribbean 2 - has finally come out on DVD. Since I never had the chance to see this in the theater, of course I've snatched up a copy.

And first of all, it's an adventure in DVD packaging! I have never been so amused by a DVD case before. Behold:

It's very nice to look at, isn't it?

But wait! Where's the DVD?

Thankfully it comes with instructions.

And wow! Look at that!

That's Fanaa-stic!

And now, the movie.

Kunal Kohli, director of Mujhse Dosti Karoge! and Hum Tum, makes a sudden departure with Fanaa. Sure, the first half is a light-hearted romance, following the love story of a blind Kashmiri girl, Zooni (Kajol), and a flirtatious, poetry-spewing Delhi tour guide, Rehan (Aamir Khan). They flirt, they sing, they dance, they get caught in the rain - all the prerequisites are there. And then, just a few minutes before intermission, the entire film changes - the tone, the story, even the characters. In a very Bollywood-esque turn of events, Zooni gains her sight and believes that Rehan was killed in a terrorist attack - when, in fact, Rehan was the terrorist behind it. After intermission - and seven years - Zooni and Rehan's paths meet again. Of course, Zooni doesn't recognize Rehan, and he stays with her family for a few days, observing the life that he could have had with Zooni. Things get intense very quickly, however, as Zooni gradually realizes who Rehan really is.

The film seems to have been both lauded and panned by critics, and it's easy to see why. The first and second halves of the film may have been two completely different movies, tied together with a weak ten minutes in the middle. Zooni's blindness, although portrayed well, seemed only to be a plot device - its only purpose was to ensure that Zooni would not recognize Rehan in the second half of the movie. It could have very well been replaced with amnesia or something (My new motto: "Blindness! The new amnesia!"). It was more necessary for Rehan's character than Zooni's that Zooni was/was no longer blind.

Also, I don't think anyone who could see would fall for someone with such poor fashion sense. Why the scarf, Aamir? Why?

The film's strongest points, I think, come from the powerful acting of its leads. Both Kajol and Aamir give very convincing, intense performances, and while their chemistry isn't quite up to that SRK/Kajol level, it's there all the same. I had read once or twice that when working together on Ishq they hadn't gotten along because of their disparate acting styles, but their bhai-behen chemistry was great. They have a similar spark onscreen in Fanaa.

The supporting cast, aside from Rishi Kapoor as Zooni's father, has very little to do. Lara Dutta and Tabu make very different special appearances.

I haven't quite figured out why Lara Dutta was in this film at all. She doesn't even sing a song before she leaves!

But Tabu is there to kick ass and take names.

The songs are great, the cinematography is breathtaking, and Poland (standing in for Kashmir) is gorgeous. Still, the movie is Kajol's comeback to films after five or so years since Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, and the director's first concern seems to be showing the audience how ridiculously beautiful his heroine is. And so now, I leave you with a little something I assembled in that same spirit, because I am celebrating the return of my favorite Bollywood actress to the silver screen!

Awara Paagal Deewana, (2002)

2006-07-31T22:27:00.000-02:30

After watching him embarrass himself in several movies (coughMereJeevanSaathicoughWaqt), I was pondering earlier today what could redeem Akshay Kumar in my mind.

"You know what he'd have to do?" I said to myself. "Irish step-dance. If he were to Irish step-dance, I'd completely forgive him."

And, dear readers, do you know what?

AKSHAY KUMAR: 100% FORGIVEN.

He's not exactly Michael Flatley, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

I was going to write a real review for Awara Paagal Deewana, but after this, I didn't think it necessary.

2006-07-29T17:36:00.000-02:30

I'm messing around with the template, so please bear with me while I completely botch things up.

ETA: My sister says the header image is too big, and it's messing up the way the page is viewed. Anyone else?

Pyare Mohan, (2006)

2006-07-29T03:18:00.000-02:30

There are several things you can count on when watching an Indra Kumar film. You can expect it to veer, sometimes very jarringly, from comedy to drama and back again. You can depend on some slapstick comedy - people falling, crotches being attacked, a lot of hitting. Chances are there's going to be a sick gag in there somewhere. Someone might get set on fire (and will be beaten in an attempt to put it out), and there's a good possibility that a monkey will be driving a car.

For most western viewers, Kumar's films would probably be a little over-the-top. They're a little alienating for those of us who aren't used to a little masala in our lives. The comedy is off, or otherwise it's too melodramatic. Dil has the infamous "rape" scene, Masti pokes fun at infidelity, Ishq - well, Ishq might be one of the worst movies made in any language. His films can be rude and crude with an in-your-face attitude.

I love them. I love them all. (Especially Ishq.)

And so when I made an impromptu trip into Jackson Heights today, I bought Pyare Mohan, Indra Kumar's latest, with no qualms (inspite of its impressive 3.8 stars at IMDb). Billed as a romantic comedy, this film still follow's Kumar's tried-and-true formula: a light-hearted first half leads to a dramatic second half - or, as my dad would say "Fun turns to tragedy."

Pyare (Fardeen Khan) and Mohan (ViveK Oberoi, or now I guess it's "Viveik Annand Oberoi") are friends who do everything together - they live together, they own a shop, they... jog. They depend on each other, too, because Pyare is blind and Mohan is deaf. Their disabilities don't prevent them from living with dignity, nor do they discourage them from hoping to find true love someday (their disabilities do, however, lead to awkward situations that make me laugh). True love finds unexpectedly while they're out one day... jogging (really, if that's how to find true love, I need to buy some new running shoes). Pyare and Mohan meet Priti (Esha Deol) and Priya (Amrita Rao), two sisters/aspiring pop stars that immediately take a liking to the two heroes. It's not long before Pyare and Mohan realize that they love Priti and Priya. Everyone has a rollicking good time.

And then fun turns to tragedy. Pyare and Mohan's feelings are, unfortunately for them, unreciprocated - they learn this just as Priti and Priya head to Bangkok for a show. Unfortunately, this trip to Thailand lands the girls in hot water. The villain... oh, have I not mentioned the villain yet? Boman Irani plays Don Tony Fernandez, the world's silliest gangster with an inappropriately named chhota bhai, Tiny. Tony had faked his own death in India to escape the authorities, and Priti and Priya and privy to this information. They're arrested in Bangkok for the murder of a priest (aside to Priti and Priya - next time you stumble into a crime scene, don't touch the murder weapon. It just looks bad). Tony and Tiny are out to kill them, and the police are after them, and no one believes their story.

Re-enter Pyare and Mohan. Immediately upon learning that their lady-loves are in trouble, they head to Bangkok to save them. Pyare, Mohan, Priti, and Priya are constantly pursued by Tony, Tiny, or the Bangkok police (it killed me to see several officers climb aboard a boat in scuba suits... and police hats). Much of the film from this point onwards concentrates on running and crying, then some more running, and maybe some more crying, followed up by some running. And then bleeding. A lot of bleeding, actually. Then some more running, crying, and bleeding.

But, as Shakespeare would say - all's well that end's well, hai na?

(I actually have a lot of ideas as to why Indra Kumar's films are, in fact, very Shakespearean, but I'll save that for another time).

The nature of Indra Kumar's films have me laughing nearly the entire way through. The humor is very silly bordering on the too immature - just the way I like it. They may have milked the blind-and-deaf miscommunication gags a little too much, but I can forgive a few flat jokes. I even enjoyed the fight scenes instead of fast-forwarding them. I even laugh at melodrama - you know, the crying and running and bleeding parts - because it's so incredibly over-the-top. I especially laughed at the references to other films, such as Pyare calling No Entry a nice film, Mohan telling Pyare that Priti's eyes were like Hema Malini's (Esha's mother, for those who don't keep track of Bollywood family trees), or that they watched Mann - another Indra Kumar film - during one of the songs.

A note to Indra Kumar: Thanks for the laughs. I think you're totally basmatic. Love, TB.

A post with no point.

2006-07-26T18:31:00.000-02:30

Part I - Fake-pretend boyfriend election!

So far the votes cast:

1 for Shahid.

3 for John Abraham.

3 for Dino Morea.

2 for Ritesh.

And one write-in vote each for Kunal Kapoor and Siddarth. With as cute as Siddarth is, he is ineligible for this competition since he is married. On the other hand, Kunal Kapoor is smokin', and I thank tanyapalta for pointing him out to me.

HOWEVER. We still haven't reached a decision regarding my new fake-pretend boyfriend - it's a tie between John and Dino, but there was also good reasoning behind Ritesh's votes, and I feel bad that Shahid Kapoor is dating Kareena Kapoor, and that he would benefit the most from having a fake-pretend girlfriend like me.

So I have come to a conclusion.

They will all be my fake pretend boyfriends - Shahid, John, Dino, Ritesh, and Kunal! Unfortunately, Vivek and Aftab, you two got NO votes whatsoever, so you will have to miss out on me and all my lovin'.

I love democracy. And how I have blatantly ignored it.

Part II - Referrals

I love that I can look up where everyone reaches this blog from - the website with the link they clicked in order to find Totally Basmatic! Most referrals are marked "unknown," which means that the blog is on their favorite's list, or they knew the URL and entered it in on their own, or that the referral site is otherwise indeterminable. The second-most common referrals come from other blogs that have linked to mine (mostly Beth's, Babasko's, and Velu's) or blogs that have led to mine when you click the "next blog" button on the Blogger toolbar. I've also gotten several referrals from a German Bolly-blog wiki - how flattering that they mention me!

And then there are the Googlers.

You know, the people who randomly trip over your site while, in reality, searching for something completely different. Most Googlers end up here searching for the lyrics from the KANK soundtrack, especially "Where's the Party Tonight," and I'm sure they're disappointed when they come up empty-handed. However, there are some people who land here while looking up things that are completely different - and some, completely ludicrous.

The phrases googled include:
"Mehndi 1998"
"obese man in speedo photo"
"Mitwa means"
"means Mitwa"
"where's the party tonight somewhere down the road where's the party tonight on the dancefloor"
"Urmila Matondkar sister"
"Arjun Rampal" at google.sa with the safe-search on
"Saathi 2006"
"play Krrish subtitles"

and my personal favorite:

"Ishaa Koppikar likes chicken".

Part III: Readership

Europe wins at reading my blog. Germans come in first - they make up a hefty 27% of my visitors. But I have also been graced with visitors from India (12%), Slovenia (7%), Austria (6%), Canada (3%), Singapore (2%), and the Netherlands (2%), as well as Sweden, Saudi Arabia, Ireland, Belgium, and Australia (all with 1% or less).

The shortest time anyone has spent at my blog - 0:00. Sorry, no song lyrics here.

The longest period of time anyone has spent at my blog - 50:40. What, did you forget to close the window? (second longest is 50:13, and there's also several people who've spent 40+ minutes here, so I guess I'm just that interesting).

As I post this, I have a visitor from Ljubljana, Beltinci! Hey you! How's the weather where you are?

I just found all of this intriguing and I thought I'd share.

Fake-Pretend-Boyfriend Vote - 2006 Election!

2006-07-22T23:15:00.000-02:30

It has come to my attention that I've got nobody to love.

I mean, what I lack is a fake pretend boyfriend. t-hype has my first choice, Hrithik, and Beth pines for Akshaye Khanna, so I've been eyeing that new crop of Bollyboys to see if there are any ripe for my pickin', if you get my horribly-rural-yet-mildly-vulgar metaphorical drift.

It's also obvious to me that I can't just pick a guy, it has to be someone special that I devote my heart to.

That's why I'm putting this up to a vote.

I'm providing the nominees, though, because I do have some stipulations. The guys all have to be within my age range (which, unfortunately, knocks out superstars like Amitabh Bachchan and even Shahrukh Khan), they should be unmarried (at least to my limited knowledge), and they should be nice to look at (Johnny Lever need not apply). Whoever wins my affection in a straightforward and democratic manner will have reviews of as many of his movies that I can get my hands on. Legally. For rich or for poor, fellas - for bad and for worse. In addition to that, I will give Prince charming a special spot in a new layout I'm planning.

So here's my short list. I'd prefer you leave your vote in a comment (no need to be shy here!) but if you prefer you can email your vote confidentially. (Also, if you know that some of my info is incorrect, or that someone needs to be disqualified, do let me know.)

John Abraham

Born December 17, 1972

What John Abraham and TB have in common: Catholicism, vegetarianism

Pros: LOOK AT HIM.

Cons: Seems to have a problem finding clothes that fit, since he is rarely pictured wearing a shirt. WAIT. Why isn't that listed under pros? Also, the long hair must go.

Film Examples: Jism (2003), Dhoom (2004), Kaal (2005), Garam Masala (2005)

Dino Morea

Born December 9, 1975

What Dino Morea and TB have in common: Well, he's half Italian, so we probably both like pasta.

Pros: His lips. HIS LIPS.

Cons: There's a serious dearth of Dino Morea films. Also, he's so good-looking that sometimes it's freakish. Besides that, in the provided picture he seems to have pretty questionable fashion sense.

Film Examples: Kandukondain Kandukondain (2000), Raaz (2002), Tom, Dick, and Harry (2006)

Vivek Oberoi

Born September 3, 1976

What Vivek Oberoi and TB have in common: Both have attended or are attending college in New York and go by the nickname "Rockstar"

Pros: He's got a cute tush. I mean, he's cute.

Cons: Receding hairline.

Film Examples: Saathiya (2002), Masti (2004), Yuva (2004), Kisna (2005)

Aftab Shivdasani

Born June 25, 1978

What Aftab Shivdasani and TB have in common: June birthdays

Pros: He's a pretty decent actor, and he's pretty decent to look at.

Cons: May eventually go the Bonny Bonaduce child-star route. And my twin sister has dibs.

Film Examples: Mr. India (1987), Love Ke Liye Kuchh Bhi Karega (2001), Hungama (2003)

Shahid Kapoor

Born February 25, 1981

What Shahid Kapoor and TB have in common: Both are eighties babies, and TB tutors a kid named Shahid!

Pros: An awesome dancer with a cute baby face!

Cons: Is dating Kareena Kapoor. I'm not sure whether the con is "dating" or "Kareena Kapoor."

Film Examples: Ishq Vishk (2003), Vaah! Life Ho Toh Aisi (2005), Chup Chup Ke (2006)

Ritesh Deshmukh

Born December 17, 1978?

What Ritesh Deshmukh and TB have in common: Rumor has it we'll both be appearing in the upcoming Kabhi Alvidaa Na Kehan, although not in the same scenes ever.

Pros: He's a good comedic actor.

Cons: He got the short end of the stick in the "hot" department, but he gets by on his dorky cuteness.

Film Examples: Masti (2004), Mr. Ya Miss (2005), Bluffmaster (2005)

This vote will be open indefinitely (I know it will take me a while to tally the floods of votes I'm anticipating. You know, it's hard for me to count all the way to four). I'll announce the results as soon as I feel I have some.

And finally... may the best man win!

Dil Hai Tumhaara, (2002)

2006-07-17T22:36:00.000-02:30

There are some actors that seem destined to play the odd one out in the love triangle. Two such actors, it seems to me, are Jimmy Shergill and Mahima Choudhary. Jimmy made his debut in Aditya Chopra's Mohabbatein, but I haven't seen him with a complete love story since (well, except Hum Tum, but he was rejected first). In her debut in Pardes, Mahima not only got the hero, but that hero was Shahrukh Khan - way to go, girl. But, again, since then, I haven't seen her in a stellar lead role. How funny, then, that both of these actors play the odd ones out in a love... quadrangle (?) in Dil Hai Tumhaara, headlined by Preity Zinta and Arjun Rampal.

Dil Hai Tumhaara is primarily the story of Shalu (Preity) and her various relationships. She and her older sister Nimmi (Mahima) dote on one another. For a reason unbeknownst to Shalu, her mother (Rekha), has never been particularly fond of her. Shalu confides in her best friend, Sameer (Jimmy), who also happens to be a "world-class" puppeteer and is in love with Shalu. Enter Dev (Arjun), a wealthy factory owner who earns both Shalu and Nimmi's affections (Dev is nearly always flanked by two yes-men who wear name-tags that appropriately identify them as "C.E.O. 1" and "C.E.O. 2").

The songs, for the most part, are neither particularly good nor bad, except for maybe "Dil Laga Liya." Still, they're interesting because they blur the divide from the "song world" to the "real world" rather well. In one song, Dev is fantasizing about "dream Shalu," while the song occasionally cuts to the real Shalu and how she deals with a daydreaming Dev. In another, while both Shalu and Nimmi are fantasizing about Sameer, one sister accidentally frolics into the other's daydream. The set design is pretty Pee-Wee's Playhouse, especially the forest where Sameer lives. The film is mostly light-hearted, with caricatures as villains that never pose any real threat against the clever Shalu. There are some moments of real drama, however, mostly between Shalu and her mother, and these scenes are mostly well-acted and convincing.

So, bottom line: not the best movie ever, but enjoyable nonetheless - barring puppetphobiacs, of course. I have to agree with BrianBkyn's ugly baby metaphor. "Homely, but cute."

Shout outs!

2006-07-12T23:44:00.000-02:30

Well, I've got to give credit where credit is due. My blog's been around for a few months, now, and I've made some pretty superwow friends out there because of it. Who knew that a ~~silly interest~~ ~~growing hobby~~ obsessive-compulsive habit would lead me to make friends all over the world?

For starters, there's Beth, all the way from the foreign land of Illinois. I think her blog is awesome, and we've been tossing around some ideas for joint ventures. We'll have to wait until she gets back from India, where I bet she's starring in lots of movies.

Then there's Babasko, from Vienna (just imagine! Vienna!), who loves masala as much as I do.

Maja was kind enough to link me to her blog before I had even read anything she posted. Her live-blogging is priceless... I should try that sometime!

I've only just started to delve into t-hype's posts, but so far it appears that we have more in common than undying love for Hrithik Roshan.

There's velu from Trivandrum, who's only recently appeared on my radar but makes intelligent remarks and reviews a lot of South Indian films, of which I have limited access to. Hey, velu, see what you can do about that *wink wink nudge nudge*.

Also, we have Katrin and mariakaefar from Germany, whose posts I cannot understand, but I trust that they are only saying nice things about me. For example, babelfish provided this translation for me from Katrin's blog:

Then Where's the party comes tonight. To the text I refer times to Beth and Totally Basmatic, whose comments make the Song more fun than the whole sound TRACK together.

And mariakaefar had this to say about me:

I must quote here times the nice conclusions, which Totally Basmatic for their Waqt criticism finds: to "I CAN think OF 6.000 more better ways tons donate three hours, like individually plucking every beach OF hair from my body or finding A way tons of GET the flu again. Avoid, yaar. Don’t say you weren’t warned." * g * no, so badly is Waqt then really also again not. I must the time, which I with Waqt spent, now do not regret to however really convince the film could not do me also.

Well, it sounds good to me!

Finally, there's tanyapalta, who has been leaving some pretty intelligent comments lately. Her blog follows the business and news end of Bollywood, to help us all keep on track!

Just wanted to let all of you know how awesome you are. Go ahead and give yourselves a pat on the back! If I missed you somehow, I'm sorry... and if I don't know you, leave comments or send emails, so I do! (And if you're my sister, well, you knows I loves you...)

Edited to add: AND MICHAEL. DON'T FORGET ABOUT MICHAEL. MICHAEL EQUALS AWESOMENESS. (please forgive me.... I'm a litte forgetful...)

Dil Ka Rishta, (2003)

2006-07-11T23:37:00.000-02:30

As long I as I have been watching bad movies lately, why not watch on of the very worst that I own? So I popped in Dil Ka Rishta (relationships of the heart), which has the very worst plot I have ever seen. The best part of the whole movie occurs within the first three minutes - Arjun Rampal takes a shower. Had this shower continued another three hours or so, well, I would have been a very happy viewer. Unfortunately Arjun can wash his hair in record time, and so the movie progresses, despite the reluctance of its audience.

Jai, the wealthy Indian boy, falls in love with Tia, the perfect Indian girl. In fact, this girl is so perfect that she works at a school for deaf children, which leads to Jai thinking she's also deaf. Awkwardness ensues both onscreen and in the audience. Eventually we learn that Tia's already spoken for, but instead of moving on, Jai spends the next year or so of his life spiralling into a pit of despair. In a drunk-driving incident, Jai kills Tia's husband, but instead of doing the time for the crime, he whisks the amnesia-stricken Tia and her infant son to South Africa, where he plans on never telling her what actually happened. In fact, doctors agree with this remedy, fearing that the truth will kill her. If you're already thinking that this movie is a bad idea, now take into account that Jai feels too guilty about what he's done to return Tia's burgeoning romantic interest.

The entire film begs the question "Who thought this was a good idea?" You can pose that question to each of the characters - "You think this is a good idea? It's totally not a good idea." You can especially ask this of the filmmakers themselves. "You thought this would make a good movie? This was just a bad idea. The whole thing was a really, really bad idea, guys." Supposedly this film was written by Aishwarya Rai's mother, intended to be a showcase of her daughter's talent. I'm sorry, but if it was talent I was supposed to be noticing, I was seriously distracted by the horrible plot, the ridiculous characters, and the not-so-good acting on everyone's part.

One aspect at which this film does not fail, though, is "the pretty." We've got both Aishwarya Rai and Arjun Rampal, both of whom I would happily look at for three hours, despite questionable acting skills. There's also Ishaa Koppikar and Priyanshu Chatterjee, who are passably pretty. Then there's Paresh Rawal, who's usually pretty funny, and Rakhee, the gorgeous actress of yesteryear who's playing mostly mother parts lately. Pretty clothes, pretty scenery, pretty cars, but it's also pretty dull for the most part. There's not many films that I'll say this for, but this is definitely one of them - Avoid, yaar. There's better ways to spend three hours of your time.

Based on a short scene, though, the only good thing that came of this film was a hilarious conversation with my friend Tinu on how he would react had he knocked up Aishwarya Rai. Actually, most of the conversation consisted of gestures and celabratory dance moves, so I guess you had to be there.

Khakee, (2004)

2006-07-08T16:52:00.000-02:30

In my last post, azuregoddess pointed out that perhaps I was a little critical of Akshay Kumar. Fortunately, the film Khakee forced me to re-evaluate my opinion of his sexiness.

Behold, the redeeming power of a police uniform:

Still, it appeared the wardrobe masters had something against Akshay, because when he wasn't in khaki he was dressed in horribly ill-fitting trousers.

The crotch goes almost to his knees.

Can you say camel-toe? These jeans look painful.

Now back to Khakee. This is a gooooooood movie. It's not ever going to be a favorite of mine (it doesn't have the same rewatchability of, say, Bunty aur Babli), but it's definitely worth a rental. For the most part, the production value is high - the cinematography is sleek, the special effects are excellent (especially in the songs), the acting is well done, and the screenplay is tight (no plot holes here!).

The film follows a group of police officers assigned to transport a terrorist suspect (Atul Kulkarni) from Chadanghbad to Mumbai. DCP Anant Kumar Shrivastav (Amitabh Bachchan) leads the way, supported by the philandering Sr. Inspector Shekhar Verma (Akshay Kumar) and the idealistic new officer Sub Inspector Ashwin Gupte (Tusshar Kapoor). They are joined by Mahalakhsmi (Aiswarya Rai), an important witness. However, their journey is continually thwarted by Angre (Ajay Devgan), a former officer turned terrorist with a bone to pick with the DCP. As the film unfolds, so do the characters and their situation. Corruption within the government and police force are continually exposed, as bad guys turn out to be good guys and good guys turn out to be bad guys. To go into any more detail would be to spoil the film.

With as gooooooood as this movie is, it isn't without its flaws. The violent scenes smack of eighties Bollywood fight scenes, with people being shot two or three times and still running. And although I loved the songs, they weren't integrated very well at all. The transition from high-tension scenes to Lara Dutta shakin' her booty was just too jarring. While some characters had very convincing, very real arcs (Tusshar was especially impressive in expressing the disillusionment of his character), some characters weren't developed quite as well (for example, I loves me some Ajay Devgan, but he could have really done excellent with a little more meat on his character).

Still, I wholeheartedly recommend this film, although I'll never be able to listen to Kal Ho Naa Ho's theme song again without getting completely creeped out.

Mere Jeevan Saathi, (2006)

2006-07-05T13:57:00.000-02:30

On a scale of "avoid, yaar" to "totally basmatic," I cannot quite figure out where Mere Jeevan Saathi belongs. It certainly does not belong in the "pretty bad"/"fairly mediocre" middle ground of Bollywood filmdom. It may very well be the worst movie I have ever seen, but it is so awesomely bad that I could not help but enjoy it immensely.

The film stars Akshay Kumar as Vicky, another fame-hungry talentless guy that Akshay is so bad at playing, and yet plays so often. This time, he wants to be a pop star, and the only way to do this is to make nice with Natasha (Karisma Kapoor in her "comeback" role), a CEO of a major music label. Vicky is supported 100% by his girlfriend Anjali (Amisha Patel) who has nothing in her head but butterflies and bumblebees apparently, because the girl is as dumb as a brick.

It sounds like the good ole love triangle scenario, doesn't it? That's what I thought it was going to be. I did not expect this film to have explosions and stabbings and wrist-slashing at all, but it totally totally did. What I did not realize was that Natasha was a crazy pyscho-bitch bent on possessing Vicky at any/all costs. Naturally, she was my favorite character, because she was the only one in the film who was not as bland as my Aunt Terry's potato salad. Karisma seemed to enjoy chewing the scenery, so to speak, while her co-stars drowned in bad dialogue and the horrible plot.

The most unbelievable part of this movie, however, was not the excessive violence and blood and blowing up of things or Anjali's complete obliviousness to the situation around her. I was rather surprised that not one, but two women were head over heels for Akshay Kumar. He has to be the least sexy man on the Bollywood silver screen, save perhaps Johnny Lever. Perhaps. His photo-shoot scene was the most embarrassing thing I have ever witnessed.

This film was apparently a major flop, and it's not hard to understand why. Apparently a lot of people were upset with the ending, because it is almost as unbelievable as how sexy Akshay is supposed to be.

Vicky marries a dead body.

That's pretty awesomely bad.

Krrish, 2006

2006-06-29T10:50:00.000-02:30

I feel very lucky to live in an area that is literally peppered with Indian movie theaters. I know there's a lot of Bollywood fans who have to depend on Internet shopping, movie rentals, or three-hour drives to satisfy their lust for Indian films. I, however, can easily reach at least five or six different theaters. Heck, there's one only two blocks from my college campus.

Still, I was surprised yesterday when my friend Reshma found that Krrish was playing not far from her home in the Bronx... in a mainstream theater. I was incredulous, but right there on the billboard, sandwiched between Superman Returns and Click, was the most recent Hrithik Roshan starrer.

Another advantage that I have when it comes to watching films is that I'm never alone. Some friends and family might discourage obsessive behavior over movies in a language I can't understand - mine enable it. And so yesterday I went to the theater with Reshma and Listy and our smuggled snacks to enjoy what proved to be a completely entertaining film.

Krrish is the sequel to Koi... Mil Gaya, but you don't need to see the latter to understand the former. For fear of spoiling one movie to summarize the next, I'll try to keep this brief. Krishna (Hrithik Roshan) has inherited superpowers from his father, Rohit (also Hrithik Roshan). However, after tragedy strikes, Krishna is raised alone by his grandmother (Rekha, always looking beautiful). When Krishna's talents become apparent, Grandma tries to hide him from the world by taking him to the most remote area possible, where Krishna grows up with the same naivete that his father had. Grandma doesn't want him to be exploited because of his superpowers.

Apparently, Krishna's powers include (but are not limited to):

Running faster than horses and through traffic
Fishing well
Climbing mountains like a spider
Swimming like a fish
Exceptional hearing
Saving children from burning blazes
Bouncing off boats
Setting the table
Fixing broken ankles
Dancing like an idiot at times
Dancing fluidly at times, despite his muscle mass
Swordplay

Enter Priya (Priyanka Chopra), an NRI from Singapore who comes to the area with her friend Honey (who annoyed me so much I will not even dignify her by looking up her name) as part as an "adventure camp" (in case you aren't tired of parantheses, I just thought it would be interesting to note that the camp is led by the same actor who seriously injured Amitabh Bachchan with a powerful punch on the set of 1983's Coolie). Of course, like his father, Krishna likes to play jokes on the pretty girls that he likes in order to win their affection.

Priya, however, must return to Singapore, but is dismayed when she is fired from her position at a television station. Honey comes up with a plan to use Krishna to get their jobs back, but it requires Priya feigning love for Krishna (he's totally smitten with her, but she doesn't reciprocate). Several songs and fiery blazes later, Priya does fall for him (I don't think I'm spoiling anything here), but now Krishna has bigger problems to worry about, like saving the world.

Strangely enough, the eponymous Krrish (Krisha's alter-ego) doesn't emerge until about two hours into the movie. Having promised Grandma that he wouldn't do anything to stand out, he dons the mask in times of trouble (mostly because, well, you can't sit back and watch the world's cutest children perish in a fiery pit of despair). However, confusion regarding the mask leads at least one innocent man's death, which is the one end that isn't really tied up in the film that I really wish had been.

Naseeruddin Shah plays a Mogambo-like villain (he's even got a Mogambo-like lair and catchphrase), Dr. Siddhant Arya, who wants to build a computer that can see the future so that, essentially, he can play God. At first it seemed like a hilariously ludicrous idea, but the movie depends on this computer, and so I can let it slide.

The best part, though, was chatting to my friends throughout the film.
As Hrithik stands on a balcony with a vista of Singapore -
"Wow, that's beautiful."
"I know, his back, right?"
Tired of Priya playing Krishna:
"Man, I just want to slap her around."
"You'll have to get in line. We'll take turns."

And it's easy to see why Singapore was chosen as the primary setting of the movie. Supposedly taking place about 20 years into the future, Singapore certainly looks the part, right down to the elevators and public art sculptures.

All in all, this film is enjoyable and entertaining despite its flaws, and three hours simply fly by. I liked it just as much, if not more, than its prequel, although this film is clearly geared towards a different audience.

Mehndi, (1998)

2006-06-23T14:29:00.000-02:30

Don't let the songs menu, vaguely reminiscent of DDLJ, confuse you.

In the same vein as Anjaam and Karan Arjun, Mehndi takes revenge to a whole new level. The movie stars Rani Mukherjee as the slighted daughter-in-law who goes “Durga incarnate” on everybody’s ass.

Because this was such an awful movie, I’m not going to write a review for it. However, if you’re interested, I’m going to include a detailed summary, because then there will be no reason for you to ever see it. And with that summary I will include pictures, or else you won’t believe what the hell goes on in this film.

Although the movie does have a very clear (though unfunny) comedy track, I thought some of the subtitles were hilarious. Whoever made this DVD took many creative liberties with both grammar and spelling, constantly interchanging “than” and “then” or swapping vowels in words.

Before the credits even roll, the movie begins like this:

Yeah, I have no idea either.

There are also so many supporting characters that it’s hard to keep track of them. Please refer back to this list while reading the summary if/when you get confused.

This is Pooja (Rani Mukherjee). She is newly married. Her life will go to shit within the next 15 minutes of the film.

Niranjan is Pooja's husband. He needs 10 lakhs to buy a factory and plans to get it from Pooja's father. If only he'd have saved up instead of wasting all that money on whores and bribery...

This is Neha, Pooja's little sister. She is a very cute, very pretty actress that I've never seen before. Niranjan thinks so too. Unfortunately, Niranjan is a little too interested in Neha for anyone's comfort.

Pooja and Neha's dad (I never caught his name, and I'm not about to watch the movie again) is a poor yet loving father; he mortgaged the house for Pooja's wedding.

Mrs. Choudry is a big bitch. Her primary concern is that her son gets his way.

Mr. Choudry runs a business selling wood for pyres... perhaps that will come in handy later in the movie?

Kalpita is the eldest Choudry daughter; she takes after her mother in the bitch department.

I only think her name is Vandana. She's the youngest Choudry daughter who disappears towards the end of the movie.

Ankush Choudry is Kalpita's husband and a "nothing buy a drugy" according to Mrs. Choudry. What does that mean in English, though?

I never caught this character's name, so hereafter he will be referred to as Shakti Kapoor. He works for Mr. Choudry and is also in charge of the comedy track. There is a medley in this movie where he impersonates Anil Kapoor in 1942: A Love Story.

Bilu is, according to the subtitles, a "transexual." Really, even if it's not the right term, at least you could spell it correctly.

I have no idea what this woman's name is - I don't know the actress or the character. She doesn't do much in regards to the plot, but she does have some snarky remarks to make and lays down the law when something's not right. In other words, I think she's a good guy. I got a big kick out of her most of the time.

Rupa is everyone's favorite whore. Sacrificed for the sake of a plot twist.

Meena Bai runs a whorehouse. Kills Rupa, but Niranjan is accused of the crime.

The plot-twist guy, he takes a picture of Meena Bai killing Rupa.

He plays an important role in the subplot of the last hour of the movie. Note the hairy ears.

This guy is really good at imitating a crow's caw. That's about it for him.

The movie starts with a song – Pooja is getting married, and her sister and father are very sad to see her go. In the next scene we are introduced to her new in-laws. It’s evident within moments that they are a money-grubbing, greedy, disdainful, petty, arrogant, and unattractive bunch of people.

When Niranjan learns that his father-in-law has no more money to give, the Choudrys decide to drive Pooja out – humiliating her, making her do all the work, verbally abusing her.

Old habits die hard for Niranjan. He heads to Meena Bai's whorehouse to meet with Rupa, but she is murdered that night and Niranjan is blamed. Niranjan is thrown into jail, and the man who has the evidence to free him insists on one night with Pooja in exchange for the evidence. (It turns out later that Niranjan refused this man's sister and she committed suicide, and he vowed never to let Niranjan lead "a happily married life.") What follows is an interesting exchange where Durga-Pooja talks herself into it – bringing a bottle of poison.

However, on that night nothing happens. Her in-laws aren’t going to believe her though, and beat her and physically throw her out. Pooja staggers home, where she collapses.

While Pooja is in the hospital, Niranjan goes to court to get a divorce. Pooja’s father demands that he drop the case, but is gunned down in court by Ankush. While circling her father’s pyre, Pooja makes a new set of vows – she realizes that her husband is “the devil” and her in-laws “are sin,” so she promises to wreak havoc. “I will kill them all very slowly,” she says, “I will vanish them!”

Who needs Durga-Pooja to destroy you, though, when you can do a much better job of it yourself? When Ankush is put on trial he gets so agitated with Pooja (who, fortunately, is a lawyer) that he starts shooting in the courtroom again, and Pooja kills him in self-defense. This happens while Niranjan is supposed to be getting remarried; not surprisingly, the bride’s father calls it off, despite Mr. Choudry’s pleas of “Please thing of our reputation.”

After this, Niranjan still plans to buy the factory but is still short on cash. Mrs. Choudry takes the money for her son from Mr. Choudry's safe. When Mr. Choudry discovers that it's missing, he blames Bilu, who is taken to the police station for prompt beatings and electrocutions. When it is revealed what really happened to the money, the police officer tells Niranjan and Mr. Choudry that they could be arrested for filing a false report. Niranjan bribes the police officer to keep Bilu in jail. However, Pooja and the villagers make the officer release Bilu and arrest Niranjan for a day.

Having lost their respect, Pooja rallies the villagers against them. In a fun little dance number the whole village comes out to throw eggs, tomatoes, dirt, and whatever else at the family.

To try and regain their respect, the family volunteers to be in a play. While the play is going on, however, Vandana is off by herself swimming. Bilu, just released from jail, happens to find her and rapes her.

If you think this movie has been ridiculous so far, the ending trumps everything. The police officer is determined to find Bilu, knowing this: Bilu loves to dance, there's always dancing at engagements, and Neha's getting engaged today. Therefore, Bilu must be at Neha's engagement! And sure enough, Neha and Bilu are getting down to some Hum Aapke Hain Koun tunes while Pooja is at the temple. While the police officer handcuffs Bilu to the car and makes him run alongside until they reach the desert, Niranjan goes to the temple to kidnap Pooja.

Once they reach the desert, the officer releases Bilu, only to shoot him in the back as he runs away.
Unfortunately for the officer, Bilu must have super-powers, because he grabs the officer from behind
and forces him off a cliff, impaling him on the strategically placed sharp poles below.

Meanwhile, in the very same desert, the Choudrys (minus Vandana, who may or may not have gone swimming again) are preparing to cremate Pooja alive. Pooja is prepared to die, but when her sister arrives begging and pleading, Niranjan tells her that she will be his whore. This pisses Pooja off. Using her Durga power, she busts out of her funeral pyre.

At the same time, Bilu shows up with a gun, forcing Niranjan to release Neha. In a moment of bad thinking, he hands the gun to Durga-Pooja. She threatens to shoot both Bilu (for raping a girl) and Niranjan, for sucking at life.

Mrs. Choudry pleads with Pooja, in a pivotal scene where the subtitles stop working. Durga-Pooja throws the gun down angrily.

Bilu decides this is a good time to get away, but Niranjan runs after him. In a moment of complete and utter inconsistency, Niranjan stabs Bilu with a sword that appeared sticking out of the ground only a second before.

Before dying, however, Bilu starts choking Niranjan.

Panicked, Mrs. Choudry grabs the gun and fires at Bilu, shooting her own son in the forehead. Niranjan does not die instantly, however. He staggers over to Pooja and kneels before her. Suddenly he realizes what we've known all along: Pooja is Durga. Uh-duh.

Too little, too late, Niranjan. Please just die already.

To end on the comedic note, here are some gems from the subtitles you might enjoy.
“Looks doesn’t matter to me.”
“I mother does not feed her baby until it cries.”
“Always go threw with your promises. Ones who don’t do it, get a great sin.”
“I will vanish them.”
“Looks like the whole f
Amily drank some kind of potion.”
“But Niranjan didn’t except her.”
“My father and baby is no more.”
“Your lectures can’t do nothing to me.”
“When women cry that means there weak.”
“Every things her fault.”
“She probably filled poison in that officer.”
“Humans figth til they lose.”
“But I havn’t lost yet.”
“I thought you were a good man a
Ccording to the astrologer.”
“I’ll pull your tounge out.”
“You cover up your daugthers”
“Arn’t you scared of dieing?”
“It taste really good!”
“Out of no were a dog came…”
“She told me not to waist the milk.”
“She just sits he sucking blood.”
“He was nothing buy a drugy.”

Happy Birthday to Me and my sister!

2006-06-22T09:15:00.000-02:30

I just wanted to use this post to send warm birthday wishes my way!

Okay, so that's a little conceited. Good thing God gave me a sister to share this birthday with. Happy birthday, Fireball! Happy birthday, me!

Hopefully we will return to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

The Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna soundtrack

2006-06-15T02:12:00.000-02:30

I haven't done a music review since, oh, my first post ever, and since the Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna ("never say goodbye") soundtrack came out yesterday I thought I'd give it a go. However, even after years of Bollywood movies and staying with family friends, the only Hindi I've picked up is primarily used in greeting or at the dinner table. Still, that won't stop me from obnoxiously commenting on songs I can't understand.

The title track is sweet and sad, following the tradition of Karan Johar's other films - think "Kal Ho Naa Ho" and you've got an idea of what listening to "Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna" is like. The latter, however, weighs in at a hefty eight minutes, which might make it slightly more boring in the context of the movie. And even though there's only two singers (Sonu Nigam and Alka Yagnik), I'll bet a box of Milk Duds that at least four people sing this one onscreen.

The rest of the music I like much better, in part because there's phrases of English thrown in intermittently. I hope they make sense within the context of the song, because they make very little sense even sans context. My favorite is "Mitwa," because they repeat "Miiiitttwaaaaaaaaaaaa!" several times. A lot of times. Yeah, kind of a lot. But with drums! With a neat beat! Mitttwaaaaa! I like to sing along! And I can sing along with "Love will find a way!" I even know what that means! (Add: "Mitwa" means "friend." I should know that after watching Lagaan, but since it's not the name of a food it simply won't stick).

Initially I thought the opening lines of "Where's the Party Tonight" were "I want a nacho night," but on re-listening I believe they are saying "I want to naach all night," which means something else entirely. I think I prefer my first impression for its absurdity. It may have made sense in, say, an Anil Kapoor or Govinda film, but not in this production. This song also employs a call-and-response that goes much like this: "Where's the party tonight?"/ "Somewhere down the road" (not sure about this line)/"Where's the party tonight"/"On the dance floor" (NO KIDDING).

Then there's "Tumhi Dekho Naa," which frankly I will skip until I see it in the movie. This is because it is a love song and I can't deal with them. They are too slow and romantic; without a picturization or an understanding of the lyrics, it's not worth much to me (yet). It's better to ignore it and focus on the happy happy dancey dancey.

So next up is the happy happy dancey dancey "Mitwa Revisited," which is a remix of the previous "Mitwa" with some underlying techno music. I don't understand what the point was. Did they need another track and just get lazy? Were there deadlines that Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy couldn't meet?

"Rock N' Roll Soniye," while not a look back at another song on the same album, isn't all that original either. I'm not quite sure how to classify it, as it combines Punjabi drumbeats with bad-imitation Jerry Lewis piano stylings. This is musical absurdity. It may grow on me, though - God knows "It's the Time to Disco" did.

The final track is also the final straw. "Farewell Trance"? Really, guys? Too busy to write more lyrics, so you just have Alka vocalizing to a techno restyling of the title track? The pinnacle of laziness, I tell you.

Of course, what post would be complete without a pic?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v180/greenflame32/kank_002.jpg

On second thought, it's too big to post.

But you all know the good-looking extra in the top right corner!

Rangeela, (1995)

2006-06-09T01:03:00.000-02:30

Let me preface today's review by saying I've got a lot of respect for Urmila Matondkar, but I don't really like her. I mean, I know she's a great actress and all, but she's certainly not one of my favorites. I don't rent movies just because she's in them, like I do for Kajol or Rani. I don't particularly enjoy her dancing, like Aishwarya or Madhuri. And she doesn't have the same "cute factor" as, say, Preity or Amrita Rao, nor the va-va-voom of Sushmita. She's great in movies, but for soe reason I'm never quite wholly convinced of her character. To me, she's always an actress first, character later. The same way Julia Roberts is always Julia Roberts, Urmila is always Urmila to me.

Except while watching Rangeela, I saw her interact with Aamir Khan and thought, "Aww, they're so cute together." It's only when Mili (Urmila) and Munna (Aamir) are bickering or bothering one another that I was completely convinced. I wonder why that is. Her scenes with Jackie Shroff were also fun (I thought he was actually the best part of the movie, regardless of Speedo), but not as believable. Hell, even the Urmila+Aamir songs didn't get me, just the fighting parts. How very strange.

Still, this movie was a lot of fun, especially if you can catch the inside jokes and cracks about others in the Indian film industry. For example, there's an actress in the beginning whose mother is extremely demanding - this is supposedly a humorous but pretty accurate portrayal of Karisma Kapoor and her mother on sets. I think the director always comparing himself to Steven Speilberg is Rakesh Roshan, Hrithik's dad and director of Karan Arjun, Koyla, and most recently Koi... Mil Gaya and Krrish.

Anyway, the plot is pretty much your basic love triangle. Misguided youth Munna is in love with his best friend/rising star Mili, who also captures the heart of movie star Raj Kamal. The film, accentuated by several strange song picturizations, shows us how both the heroes feel about the heroine - Munna has loved her all along, but feels he's not good enough for her, and Raj Kamal opens his heart to her in spite of a tragic past. What keeps viewers guessing, though, A) who's going to pop the question first, and B) which hero does the heroine care for?

This film is highly recommended if you enjoy love triangles, like romantic comedies cum satires, or miss early nineties' fashion. For some reason I can't attach pics to this post, or surely you would be treated to the rainbow-tacular spectacle that is our heroes' wardrobe.

Also, a note of weirdness for weirdness' sake: there is also a part in a song where Urmila and Aamir are careening over a city skyline ON A SOFA- and I immediately recognized that they were flying over Brooklyn. I didn't know American airspace laws applied to furniture.

I need help to make my blog prettiful.

2006-06-01T00:48:00.000-02:30

It's not easy being green.

Especially since I want my blog to stand out a little more. Is anyone tech-savvy enough (and, haha, free) to help me personalize this? That'd be bloggerific, thanks.

I love my sister.

2006-05-27T11:28:00.000-02:30

Since I went to visit my sister (you may know her from her Bollywhat blog), I am swimming in so many Bollywood DVDs that I don't know where to start. For starters, I got my copy of Lajja back and that is one of my very favorites. The other goodies:

Chhota Chetan
This film, a children's "fantasy tale" starring a metallically-coiffed Urmila Matondkar, is interesting because the footage with the children was shot about a decade before the footage with Urmila. I guess they shelved it halfway through production because they didn't have the special effects they wanted.

Hera Pheri
Starring Akshay Kumar, Suniel Shetty, Paresh Rawal, and Tabu, I've heard that this movie is hilarious. I guess it doesn't matter how confused I am after reading the synopsis, as long as it makes me laugh.

Elaan/Dil Maange More
This double-disc features a movie that I've seen and what that I have not. One is an ensemble action film, while the other showcases Shahid Kapoor getting lots of kisses. Explosions and gunplay are always fun the second time around; I may pass on the kisses.

Kucch To Hai
I could kick myself because I meant to leave this and take Caravan. Supposedly it's a remake of I Know What You Did Last Summer starring Esha Deol (eww), Tusshar Kapoor (eww) and Natasha (I don't even know who that is).

Rangeela
A classic of modern Hindi cinema which I have not yet seen. From my understanding, it is particularly memorable for showcasing Jackie Shroff in a Speedo. Also starring Aamir Khan and Urmila Matondkar in this class-struggling love triangle.

Badhaai ho Badhaai
On the cover there is a photo of a very happy yet somewhat obese man, photoshopped next to a scantily clad Shilpa Shetty. Also starring Anil Kapoor and Kirti Reddy.

Chor Machaaye Shor
This one cured Fireball of her Bobby Deol crush. Since I don't have that affliction, I'm wondering if it's worth three hours of my time. Also stars Shilpa Shetty and Bipasha Basu, and is directed by David Dhawan (who served up some forgettable fun previously in movies like Dulhan Hum Le Jayenge and Mujhse Shaadi Karoge).

Awara Paagal Deewana
The DVD case calls this an "action-packed comedy." I really don't care what you call it, as long as cuties Akshay Kumar, Suniel Shetty, and Aftab Shivdasani get plenty of screentime.

Chalbaaz
What can be greater than watching a Sridevi film? Watching a Sridevi film sans subtitles!

Anamika
This is an old one starring Sanjeev Kumar and Jaya Bhaduri (now Bachchan). The synopsis on the back isn't helpful, but there is a picture of Helen in an outrageously mod outfit, so I think I'll like this one.

Deewangee
Starring Ajay Devgan, Akshaye Khanna, and Urmila Matondkar, this initially seemed to be another classic love-triangle film. After reading the back, though, it appears that this movie is actually a murder mystery concerning the music industry and spelling errors.

Khakee
I've been waiting to see this tricky action movie for a while. Even though the ending's been spoiled, I'm looking forward to watching the ensemble cast (including Amitabh Bachchan, Ajay Devgan, Aishwarya Rai, Akshay Kumar) seduce/betray/shoot at each other.

Jaanam Samjha Karo
Fireball said that, while this isn't such a good movie, she liked it anyway. Stars Urmila Matondkar and Salman Khan.

Teesri Manzil
Asha Parekh's got back, Shammi Kapoor's got hair, Helen's got a dance number. That's all you need to know about this fun and hilarious murder mystery from the sixties.

The only two of these movies that I've seen (besides the aforementioned Lajja) are Teesri Manzil and Elaan. That leaves me with a staggering thirteen films to watch, and I don't know where to start. I don't want to go from my anticipated greatest to least, because then I'll never watch them all. I also don't want to go through them chronologically. I don't know! I just don't know!

Parineeta, (2005); Asoka, (2001); Mrityudand, (1997)

2006-05-23T17:20:00.000-02:30

Well, faithful readers (I know there's one, maybe two of you) it has been a long month since I last posted. I moved out, moved in, attended graduations, and pulled up the ugly pink carpet that gave me rugburn when I fell down the stairs WITH MY BARE HANDS (I'm mad vengeful, yo). Aside from that, I really haven't had time to indulge in my Bollywood addiction, so I offer some recaplet/reviews of movies I've seen a while ago.

Parineeta, (2005)

As easy as it is to fall in love in Bollywood, there's also the movies where the hero and the heroine do not fall in love with each other. Instead, being bachpan ki dost, their love blooms slowly, eventually coming to fruition when one or the other is inevitably engaged/married to someone else (depending, of course, on whether or not there's a happy ending). In Parineeta (which means "already married" so you tell me, happy or sad ending?) Saif Ali Khan and Vidya Balan, two beatiful people with large noses, are childhood friends, albeit Saif's Shekhar is higher up on the food chain than Vidya's Lolita. In fact, Shekhar's father lent Lolita's father a considerable amount of money, and plans to pull the house from under the family if he can. Enter Girish (Sanjay Dutt), who's got the hots for Lolita and the money to help out. Of course, there's also Gayetri (Diya Mirza) who's got the hots for Shekhar. And then, for good measure, there's Rekha in an item number, who I've got the hots for (honestly, she's twice my age and twice as sexy; she's one of the few females that could make me swear off men forever).

The film is beautiful to watch and, although the pace is a little slow, it's fitting for a film with so many romantic, social, and financial entanglements. The cinematography, the costumes, the sets all serve to make this Calcutta drama all the more compelling. The acting is top notch, whether it's from old hats like Sanjay or Saif or newcomer Vidya. Although Paheli was also fun and exciting and beautiful, I don't understand how it was chosen over the tear-jerking Parineeta.

Asoka, (2001)

So many people love this movie, but I just didn't feel it. Sure, it's got swordplay, lush scenery, scantily clad men and women, waterfalls, lovable children, and so on, but it seemed an overreaching yet underdeveloped piece of Hollywood bait. It claims to be an epic based on King Asoka's life, yet only gives viewers half the story (the violent, Hollywood half). The story begins when Asoka (Shahrukh Khan, out of character), a prince, begins a journey that his mother hopes will end his swordplaying ways and days. Instead, he meets (and by "meets" I mean "stalks") the captivating Princess Kaurwaki (Kareena Kapoor) and her younger brother. He teaches them to defend themselves from assassins (Oh? Did I not mention the assassins?) and some other stuff happens, I don't know, I started to lose interest, and to make a long story short Asoka thinks Kaurwaki's been killed and goes ballistic after rubbing someone else's ashes all over his face (ewww). Asoka ends up marrying a Buddhist priestess who saves his life, but instead of taking her teaching to heart he decides to conquer the world. Of course, this culminates into an "ultimate battle" scenario, with Asoka leading one force while the other is led by - surprise surprise - the not so dead Kaurwaki.

So why didn't I like this movie? Um, let's see - violence of the Hollywood variety (which differs from Bollywood violence), lackluster acting, weird song picturizations, and it ended just when the ball was getting rolling. Asoka, the historical figure, eventually converted to Buddhism and with his twin son and daughter set out to create a peaceful empire; Asoka, the movie hero, ends up just being really really really sorry and really really really sad at the end of three hours.

Mrityudand, (1997)

Mrityudand ("death sentence") opens with two women being chased by what seems to be the entire population of a small village in Bihar. According to the narration, the daughter has been found guilty of being a witch. She's pregnant. And a widow. Both she and her mother are stoned.

Already you realize this isn't a feel-good film. Instead, this movie brings to the forefront the oppression faced by women in rural villages. Chandravati (Shabana Azmi) bears the stigma of being a barren woman, while her husband deserts her to be a monk. Ketki (Madhuri Dixit) is rebuffed for trying to help her husband with business. Although the focus of the Their stories are wrapped up almost effortlessly in plots concerning caste, economics, and grassroots politics. The effect is that of an art film with the mainstream Bollywood singing, dancing, violence, and a dash of melodrama for flavor. The moral of the story: Women will kick your ass.

Refugee, (2000)

2006-04-22T22:33:00.000-02:30

Abhishek Bachchan is "teh hotness." This phrase roughly translates into English as "the hotness." If the value of Refugee was judged solely on the hotness of the lead actors (Suniel Shetty too!), then we'd have a decent movie here. And it is a decent movie, for the most part. But for all it's worth, I'm glad I rented it instead of buying it.

When East Pakistan became Bangladesh in the 1970s, Muslim families were displaced again following the partition of Pakistan and India. Unfortunately, East and West Pakistan had been seperated by more than a thousand miles of India, meaning that families had to sneak into and out of India in order to reach Pakistan. Refugee focuses on the plight of one such family for the first two hours, but then deteriorates into yet another nationalistic Bollywood film.

The eponymous Refugee (Abhishotness) makes his living smuggling people across the "rann" from India to Pakistan or vice versa. This rann is apparently a treacherous uninhabitable salt-marsh-desert; on one side Jackie Schroff patrols on camelback, while on the other Suniel Shetty does the same in a better-looking uniform. Refugee takes a liking to Naaz (Kareena Kapoor), whose family he helps into Pakistan. They fall in love, but there's a bit of a love triangle with Suniel Shetty's character (don't worry, Suniel... I'm always available). Of course, there are more than romantic complications, especially when Refugee unwittingly smuggles terrorists into India - terrorists who promptly recruit his brother and blow up trains.
But then the movie takes the principle of "suspension of disbelief" a little too far. I could buy it when Refugee was shot in the leg and recovered. I can't take it when he suddenly he turns into "super patriotic Indian," turning on the people he worked with before. It only goes downhill from there, with actors abandoning any previous characterization and choosing sides. It all culminates into a ridiculous climax, that shows that maybe Pakistan and India can be "good buddies" after all. "Good buddies..." huh. Somehow it still smacks of that "India good, Pakistan... er... not so good" sentiment it had so deftly avoided in the beginning.

Waqt - The Race Against Time, (2005)

2006-04-22T13:12:00.000-02:30

A bout of the flu and, more importantly, a string of mediocre movies have prevented me from posting lately. Adaptation, although I appreciate its very nature, confounded me (I love Susan Orlean’s work, which made Meryl Streep’s portrayal very weird to me). I found Fever Pitch, which I watched this morning while recovering from a vomitrocious evening, rather delightful. I rooted for the aliens in War of the Worlds (if anything, this movie led me to some very philosophical, existential questions about the nature of the universe – primarily, why are aliens always nekkid?).

Then Netflix heard that I was sick and sent me a get-well present. I finally got Waqt – The Race Against Time, which had been sitting at the top of my queue for fifty years. Worth the wait?

Totally not.

I was expecting to see the same old Bollywood love-hate father-son relationship rehashed, and I knew it was about rich people, and I had been warned about the scrolling ads, but somehow I thought that I could get over it. I thought maybe the movie (based on a Gujrati play) would amount to more than that. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. There was nothing new about the story – it was Ek Rishtaa with a little more gloss and fancier saris. The rich thing – God was that annoying. There was a particular discussion about bedrooms (“I have twelve at my house but you only have seven… but poor people make do with two… I guess that’s not so bad…”) that made me realize that I wasn’t going to enjoy the movie. It was bad, but not even laughably bad, just plain bad. Pretty to look at, but there was nothing going on upstairs.

Akshay’s ten years too old to pull the whiny, spoiled Aditya off either likably or believably. AB’s the chief plumber – when he’s not crying melodramatically he’s invoking tears in others. Shefali Shah is pretty… pretty useless. Priyanka Chopra (a.k.a. “the Uterus”) is there for song picturizations and baby-making only.

If this movie indicates anything, then I think Akshay is seriously considering a career change. He's trying to either be a stunt man (after pulling off "the world's most dangerous stunt") or Madhuri Dixit:

It must be seen to be believed.

I can think of 6,000 better ways to spend three hours, like individually plucking every strand of hair from my body or finding a way to get the flu again. Avoid, yaar. Don't say you weren't warned.

It's like a movie potluck!

2006-04-04T23:13:00.001-02:30

I just rented the DVD Celebrity Mix - a compilation DVD of sorts. It contains eight short independent films. Now, I know independent films are meant to be thoughtful, meaningful, interesting - and short films imply that they are kind of what the short story is to the novel. But, unfortunately, for every Brokeback Mountain there's a chocolate rabbit out there that I can't possibly bring myself to eat because of word association with The Brown Bunny. To make a long story short (ha, ha), there's a pretty mixed batch on this group - a few good ones, a few, well, not so good.

Goldilocks offers a cold shoulder to narcoleptic Sleeping Beauty

My favorite of the batch is Waking Dreams (2004), starring Ben Shenkman (of Angels in America, another one of my favorites) and Tina Holmes. When Becky the temp (Holmes) warns Charles the executive (Shenkman) about his impending death, he takes the news lightly - maybe a little too lightly for the psychic/psycho temp. Another contender is Dysenchanted (2004), Terri Miller's vision of a fairy tale support group. While Dr. Jim Belushi mediates the session, Goldilocks blathers about OCD while Cinderella harps on Prince Charming; divorced soccer mom Clara thinks maybe she doesn't belong, but the Disney-esque heroines convince her otherwise. House Hunting (2003), starring Zooey Deschanel, Paul Rudd, and Terry Kinney, follows an argumentative married couple in their search for a house while dealing with a klepto of a realtor.

If this were a studio film, this is the moment when the meteor would smash into the car.

Of course, that's the whole silver lining. There are five more shorts on this DVD that were subpar or, even worse, mediocre. David Hyde Pierce is admirable as Laud Weiner, but the character sketch is ultimately uninteresting. Media Whore (2002) is simply annoying, while the thriller Curiosity (2005) fails to pique mine. Then there's Mr. Dramatic (2005), which relies on style rather than substance. Dependable People (2001) may have been interesting, but not really enough to hold my attention (a ten-minute film can't hold my attention - I wonder what that says about it).

Ali MacLean annoys Coolio too!

I don't know if I could recommend the DVD since I like less than half the films, but if you like indies you might want to give it a shot. I'm probably being horribly critical - it's hard to make a short movie, with or without a budget or a big star - but I'm not that easy to please.

I'm so embarrassed!

2006-03-26T00:58:00.000-03:30

I've just been re-reading my posts (you know I'm procrastinating on some important stuff if I'm playing on the internet with my blog) and I've found several grammatical errors, including but not limited to incomplete senteces, incorrect word choice, and unclarified phrases.

I'm so sorry. I'm especially sorry that, now that I've found the errors, I'm just too damn lazy to go back and correct them.

Shall We Dance?, (1995)

2006-03-26T00:45:00.000-03:30

No, it’s not the one you think it is. It does not star Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon, or J. Lo. It’s the predecessor to the American romantic comedy, only done much more, well, likeably. I mean, no offense to Hollywood, but the remake tried to substitute all the charm of the Japanese original with too much glitz and glamour to make it even remotely as enjoyable as this film.

The story’s not difficult to follow: workaholic Shohei (Koji Yakusho) is lured into a dance studio by the unhappy woman gazing out of the window nightly. Mai (Tamiyo Kusakari), an accomplished professional dancer, reluctantly teaches ballroom dancing (mostly to lecherous old men, which definitely contributes to her unhappiness). Although Shohei joins because of his curiosity about Mai, he stays because he loves to dance.

But dancing – well, there’s some problems with sticking around. For starters, his wife begins to suspect an affair; there’s also the general embarrassment to be suffered if his coworkers discover his hobby. But in Japanese culture, as the movie (and my flatmate) explain, it’s unusual to see physical contact in public. In fact, most married couples won’t even hold hands. Still, it seems a subculture has grown up around ballroom dancing, and characters young and old, and with all different levels of quirkiness, are drawn in.

It's a shame that the Hollywood version copied this film nearly frame for frame, only exaggerating as they go along. This film really depends on its “smallness” – facial expressions, a few lines of dialogue, a glance here or a gesture there – to move the story and develop its characters. And instead of teaching pop stars to dance the waltz, they took professional dancers and made them actors. I can’t comment so much on Tamiyo Kusakari’s acting skills (all I can say in Japanese is ramen and pikachu - oh, language barrier, you'll be the death of me), but her posture is ridiculously good.

There’s really nothing stellar about this film, but that’s why I like it so much. It’s about one man’s realizations, one dancer’s rediscovery, and everyone else’s support/acceptance. It’s not life and death material, and the filmmakers know it.

I really should look into lessons. Ballroom dancing movies are quickly developing into my new favorite sub-genre. If you’re like me, you’ll most likely enjoy Strictly Ballroom or Mad Hot Ballroom (I’ll pass on Dancing with the Stars: reality television can’t be good for your health).

Hey Ram, (2000)

2006-03-25T19:07:00.000-03:30

Kamal Hassan takes a controversial topic and handles it in a controversial way - hence we have Hey Ram, the most powerful Bollywood movie I have seen yet. Never has a film been both so hard to watch, and so hard not to. Partition, Hindu-Muslim relations, Mohandas Gandhi and an explicit reenactment of his assassination - the film runs the gamut. Its focus is on humanity – even the Mahatma is portrayed as a real person who jokes and complains and everything.

The film contains a lot of graphic content, but nothing worse than what Hollywood spoon-feeds American viewers. There are two sex scenes, a dramatic rape, and violence – a lot of violence.

Primarily, though, Hey Ram follows the psychological journey of Saket Ram (as told in a series of flashbacks by his grandson). It opens with the archaeologist on a dig with his friend and coworker Amjad Khan (Shahrukh Khan); they are told that the site will now be in Pakistan, so they must go home.

Ram returns to Calcutta and his Bengali wife, Aparna (Rani Mukherjee), who he had married against his family’s wishes. In their brief scenes, it is apparent that Ram and Aparna are “very much in love” (read: very frisky). However, when Ram goes out to buy food later he saves a girl from a mob and returns home just in time to witness his wife’s brutal rape and murder (which is shown in a frighteningly realistic manner). This sets off Ram’s killer instinct and he goes on a killing spree, showing absolutely no mercy. The next day he is unable to come to grips with his actions, and joins a group of Hindu extremists, more out of a sense of despondency than anything else. He is influenced the most by leader Shriram Abhyanker (Atul Kulkarni – extra creepy), who redirects Ram’s hatred towards Mahatma Gandhi.

Six months later Ram remarries – Mythili (Vasundhra Das), a girl that his relatives chose for him. Mythili is young and lively, a sharp contrast to the hollow, emotionless shell that Ram has become. Somehow she kindles a little affection, but Ram only sleeps with her under the influence of drugs (in his hallucinations, her body becomes a large gun). Ram is still involved with the extremists, and when Abhyanker is paralyzed in a freak accident, it becomes solely Ram’s responsibility to assassinate Gandhi.

Ram leaves his wife and family and goes to Delhi to wait for his chance. A couple of close calls and a lost weapon lead Ram to his old friend, Amjad (and by this point most viewers will probably have forgotten that Shahrukh was even in the film, it’s that engrossing). Amjad is a fervent admirer of Gandhi, and while trying to escape a riot the two spar about their disparate religious and political views. Amjad is the voice of reason, and only when Ram recognizes that Amjad is still his friend and brother does he begin to change his mind.

This film belongs to Kamal Hassan in every way – it was written, produced, directed by, and starring him (he’s even listed as a choreographer and playback singer). It’s plain to see how this actor is the consummate artist in this film. Although he takes creative liberties with history, he leaves enough ambiguity to let viewers come to their own conclusions. Shahrukh Khan nearly overpowers his own charisma to give his most understated, realistic performance to date. Rani Mukherjee excels in her small role. Hema Malini, Atul Kulkarni, Vasundhra Das and Om Puri also do well with the parts that they have. Naseeruddin Shah is absolutely unrecognizable as Gandhi – thanks to makeup and great acting, he actually becomes his character.

The most complaints about this movie focus on its violence. However, I feel that this film probably pales in comparison to the actual violence that occurred during this period. The special effects, although many were well-done, were a little self-indulgent; I felt that they dumb-downed the movie for most viewers. A third of the film is devoted to Ram’s love stories (both with his first wife and for his second), and while I feel that it is important to show how his love for Aparna and her rape and death forged Ram’s character, the second love story could have been greatly reduced. The film runs a little long even for a Bollywood movie, but gives one the sense that you can’t even blink for fear of missing something. There is probably very little to appeal to the masala-craving masses; a light-hearted, breezy entertainer it certainly is not. It was a task to watch; an emotionally overwhelming film that is the first movie in a very long time to move me to tears.

The Hero: Love Story of a Spy (2003); Soldier (1998); Dillagi (1999)

2006-03-25T18:20:00.000-03:30

I’ve watched so many movies lately that I’ve decided to give you a special treat and bring you three reviews and once. I am proud to present: Sunny versus Bobby – Deol Smackdown 2005! Which Deol will come out on top?

Let’s start by examining The Hero: Love Story of a Spy (2003), starring the elder Deol brother. While this movie is essentially a Pakistan-bashing, violence-driven, incoherent waste of time, it is impossible to deny that it is entertaining.

While the movie does not need a plot, the producers decided to throw one in for kicks. Sunny Deol plays Major Arun Khanna, India’s top spy. Apparently, “spying” in India is synonymous with Halloween in the United States – the job consists of dressing up in costumes and makeup and doling out treats to villagers and tricks to baddies.

Sunny Deol as Jesus.

Sunny Deol as Prince Charles.

Sunny Deol as Alec Baldwin.

After successfully halting one of Amrish Puri’s evil plots, Khanna is sent to Kashmir to mimic an army officer. Enter irrepressibly cute shepherdess Reshma (Preity Zinta), who helps Khanna foil terrorist missions in the village. In return, Khanna pays for her education and buys her clothes and jewelry (can you say sugar daddy?). Eventually, it turns out that Reshma is exactly who Khanna needs to foil Amrish Puri’s next dastardly plot, and she is sent across the border to spy. Of course, the best laid plans go awry and Sunny eventually has to rescue Reshma from hordes of Pakistani soldiers, apparently using her ass to shielf himself from gunfire.

Soon after there’s a celebration and Khanna announces his engagement to Reshma and they sing and dance about it. Their happiness is short-lived, however, as terrorists attack the party. Khanna lives and returns to work as a spy, while Reshma washes up later in the movie. Khanna goes to Canada and, in order to continue foiling Amrish Puri’s plans, romances and marries Dr. Shaheen Zakaria (Priyanka Chopra), who in a “shocking” coincidence is also helping Reshma rehabilitate (really, is anyone even remotely surprised?). Because we, the viewers, know that Reshma and Khanna will end up together eventually, from the moment Shaheen and Khanna marry we know this isn’t going to end well for poor Priyanka Chopra. And it doesn’t – there’s a climactic shootout involving trains, mountains, helicopters, and more Canadians than you could shake a stick at.

Sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming:

It's no pants o'clock!

Back to you in the studio.

While this movie is a blatant Paki-basher, it’s unabashed about it, unlike and of J.P. Dutta’s (Refugee, Border) work. This film is also one of the most expensive films India has ever produced, meaning there is no lack of eye candy (except maybe the hero department) whether in the scenery, the costumes, the dancing, or even the ridiculous spy stuff.
1998’s Soldier, like The Hero, stars another Deol and the same Preity Zinta. This mostly-amusing thriller is from Abbas-Mustan, the underwold-connected duo directors that also brought you similar ridiculous-but-still-enjoyable-movies such as Baadshah and Chori Chori Chupke Chupke. Soldier, like The Hero, also has an irrelevant plot as an excuse to show Bobby Deol cozying up to Zinta and shooting bad guys mercilessly. It also is sure to incorporate some of the greatest Bollywood clichés ever: orphan exacting revenge, over the top violence, Johnny Lever, boy annoying girl until she loves him, and not one, but two suffering mothers!

The movie opens with the important exposition – three corrupt army officers steal the guns and supplies they transport in order to sell them to the enemies, killing the good army officer who tries to stop them. They manage to pin the robbery on the dead guy, but his widow and son staunchly believe in his innocence. Thus the woman is sentenced to a life of suffering, whereas the son is destined to exact revenge for his father’s death. Of course, son is also destined to fall in love with daughter of bad guy (all of this goes without saying, really). A few car stunts, brutal murders, dogs with bad hairstyles and other assorted hijinks later, Bobby does, in fact, kill everybody except the mothers, Zinta, and, unfortunately, Johnny Lever.

This movie exceeds at two things I previously though were mutually exclusive in a film – excessive violence and excessive goofiness. Throw in a few danceable tunes and whammo! Bollywood entertainment, Abbas-Mustan style. Although I found The Hero ultimately more entertaining (because of its slicker cinematography, better comic relief, bigger doses of angst, etc.) Bobby Deol is easier on the eyes than his older brother (because of his slightly less gravity-defying hairstyle.

Look, it's got WINGS.

Of course, the real test of Deol versus Deol is Dillagi (1999), which stars both brothers and is also Sunny’s directorial debut. Not only is the plot borrowed from the Hollywood classic Sabrina, but many of the songs are blatant ripoffs of American riffs such as "Mony Mony" by Tommy James and the Shondells (later done by Billy Idol as well) and Jimmy Sommerville’s "Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You." Unfortunately, the DVD is only sparsely subtitled meaning that I had to rely on my recollection of Sabrina to determine what was going on and then I get distracted by plagiarism. Great.

For those of you who haven’t seen Sabrina, Dillagi, or Sabrina’s earlier Hindi remake Yeh Dillagi, the film is about two brothers – one is all work (Sunny as Ranvir) and one is all play (Bobby as Rocky). Of course, they both end up falling for the same girl (Urmila Matondkar as Shalini).

Although he agrees to a marriage with a girl from his village in Punjab, Ranvir sees Shalini at a stoplight and she intrigues him. Later he sees her sing and dance at a function and he proposes marriage to her family. At the same time, Shalini attends school with Rocky, and they hang out together (to plagiarize songs, I guess). Despite warnings from her cousins and classmates, Shalini falls for Rocky, who treats people like toys and important things like “love” like games. She tells this to Ranvir, who lets her go. When she makes her love known to Rocky, however, he flips the shit. Heartbroken, Shalini eventually starts to see Ranvir again, while Rocky slowly realizes his love for her. When Rocky learns there’s another man in Shalini’s life, he flips the shit again and vows to kill him. Too bad I can’t explain further, but at this point the subtitles decided they had better movies to translate and copped out completely. It all boils down to a climactic moment when Rocky finds Shalini at a restaurant with his brother and flips the shit again. Eventually somebody ends up at the hospital, one brother reneges on his love, and Preity Zinta shows up again to console the loser. Happy ending for all.

You'd be better off finding the Audrey Hepburn version. The subtitles are probably a lot more reliable, and "Mony Mony" hadn't even been written when it came out.

In the end, it is clear that Sunny has more talent than Bobby, but loses in the looks department. Quite frankly, I’d rather have a non-acting chunk of eye-candy than either of these hairstyle-challenged fellas any day. In the smackdown, I am the only clear loser, having spent nine hours watching them when there are so many pictures of Arjun Rampal on the internet in need of downloading.

Bachke Rehna Re Baba, (2005)

2006-03-25T18:15:00.000-03:30

A woman's sexuality is a powerful thing. I learned this when, wearing the right combination of short skirt and tall boots, I caused a fender-bender in Manhattan. Of course, whether a woman uses her powers for good or for awesome is up to her. However, Bachke Rehna Re Baba is unusual because it showcases two awesomely sexy actresses playing two awesomely sexy women, all of whom seem to use their powers to create a genuinely awful movie.

For starters, the film stars two of the most attractive women in Bollywood - the evergreen Rekha and the "bold" Mallika Sherawat. It's difficult to decide who comes off worse in this film. While Rekha's acting skills are superb and she manages to look sexy even in the most colorblind, frumpy outfits, the role is utterly banal. Mallika has more of a chance to excel and expose, but manages only to do the latter. It's sad to see that she has such a pretty face, and yet uses her body as her most valuable asset (because, unfortunately, her acting skills aren't doing much for her).

The film follows an aunt-neice con-artist team, Rukhmini (Rekha) and Padmini (Mallika). Rekha traps rich old men in marriage, while Padmini seduces them into adultery, just in time for Rukhmini to catch them. Sound familiar? It's the same old story of Heartbreakers (2001). Of course, Padmini would rather split, but Rukhmini persuades her to do one last con - trapping an NRI in Mauritius. Paresh Rawal, Satish Shah, and newcomer Karan Khanna, nephew of Vinod and cousin of Akshay and Rahul.

The film has too many loose ends that are never resolved. In once scene, Rukhmini says that the money they con goes to settling her father's debt, a debt which is never explained or even mentioned again. Also, supposedly Rukhmini and Padmini were originally intended to be mother and daughter, but changed to aunt and niece. I think they filmed some important scenes before this was changed, which makes for an uneven ride.

The only positive part of this film is its title song, an enjoyably danceable tract. Rekha takes to the microphone for one number ("Eiffel Tower"), which proves to be the most annoying part of the entire movie.

My primary concern is this: Why did Rekha, an evergreen icon of Bollywood, do this film? In an industry where Amitabh Bachchan is earning acclaim playing a variety of roles, and where Govinda and Anil Kapoor still play heroes, why is an attractive, fifty-one-year-old actress with so much acting skill and star power in a role like this? She's just as capable of playing a sign-language teacher or doctor or orphanage director or something at least mildly intelligent and interesting. (BTW, Govinda is three years younger than Rekha, and Anil Kapoor is four years younger).

Categorize this one under "painful to watch."

Dinosaur vs. Elephant; Tchaikovsky's Fifth Symphony vs. Jenny Lewis

2006-03-19T23:54:00.000-03:30

Yesterday was interesting in that I went to not one, but two concerts, both being incredibly different. Two very different live performances of two very different types of music makes for one awesomely awesome Saturday.

Firstly, saw a matinee performance by the New York Philharmonic. Although Tchaikovsky's Fifth Symphony was the headliner, I found myself captivated by the preceding sextet by Francis Poulenc. Although defined by the woodwinds and held together by the piano, the French horn was, I felt, the strongest instrument. Of course, I've always been partial to brass, being a euphonium kind of girl myself. But the French horn - how warm it sounded! How buttery! It was delicious. Woodwinds turn me off - they're far too cold for me. The horn was the sunlight to their silvery slivers of sound.

You might have realized that I envision sound in quite a different way. The same thing happened in a different way after the intermission. Tchaikovsky's fifth is supposed to be something about faith, written during a short time while the composer had retreated to the countryside. But nothing said "nature" to me, nor "fate"; during the entire piece I was imagining an epic fifty-minute battle between a dinosaur and an elephant. The elephant won. He had guns.

After a scrumptious vegan dinner at Zen Palate, I headed to Irving Plaza to see Jenny Lewis perform with the Watson Twins. She was preceded by Whispertown 2000 (which was cool but the lead seemed either really really wasted or really really nervous) and Jonathan Rice (who would have been good if he had sounded less like Jonathan Mayer and more like something original). Jenny Lewis, of course, was awesome, mixing it up with some upbeat tunes and a few real downers. Being the headliner, I thought she would play a longer set, but she did do a considerable encore. Jenny's music is something along the lines of soulful gospel/country/pop, with a voice that can send chills up your spine. You may be familiar with her without knowing it - she's the lead singer of Rilo Kiley, and that's her singing along with Ben Gibbard in the Postal Service's "We Will Become Silhouettes."

Irving Plaza, by the by, is an awesome venue. I just wish I weren't damn short.

Finally!

2006-03-13T21:17:00.000-03:30

Oh, how lovely to have a blog of my very own. I expect to transfer all of my livejournal posts here forthwith.