Vivah, 2006

Sooraj Barjatya is not known for making compelling films. They do not glue you to the edge of your seat, they do not grip you mercilessly, and they do not, unfortunately, make for an exciting or even biased film review.

They're just so damn nice.

I mean, let's look at the guy's history. His films have been gradually losing any and all possible sources of conflict. First there was Maine Pyar Kiya, which was chockfull of excitement - murderous doves, tight acid-washed jeans and mullets, oh my! Then there was Hum Aapke Hain Koun,* which had a conflict - a pretty big one - but it waited until the last half hour so to even bring it up. Hum Saath-Saath Hain was much the same, except with a bigger cast, I think. Then we had Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon. The main conflict I had with that movie was my concern with when Hrithik would take off his shirt.

Now there's Vivah. I tried during the first two hours and forty-five minutes or so to deduce the main source of conflict. Here are a list of things that are not conflicts in this movie:

• The heroine is an orphan
  
• The "second heroine" has more personality in her fingernail than the first heroine has at all
  
• Resentful aunt
  
• There seem to be no animals in this film, especially ones that either channel the will of a higher power or are badly computer-animated
  
• Shahid Kapoor is not interested in me
  

In fact, the main conflict in this film is something I couldn't have predicted if I tried. It looks dire for all of ten minutes, but then... it's a Barjatya film. You know it's going to be all right in the end.

*(Okay, I know that there was Ena Pravukal in between, but the only thing I know about that film is that it's in Malayalam).