Awara Paagal Deewana, (2002)

After watching him embarrass himself in several movies (coughMereJeevanSaathicoughWaqt), I was pondering earlier today what could redeem Akshay Kumar in my mind.

"You know what he'd have to do?" I said to myself. "Irish step-dance. If he were to Irish step-dance, I'd completely forgive him."

And, dear readers, do you know what?

AKSHAY KUMAR: 100% FORGIVEN.



He's not exactly Michael Flatley, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

I was going to write a real review for Awara Paagal Deewana, but after this, I didn't think it necessary.

I'm messing around with the template, so please bear with me while I completely botch things up.

ETA: My sister says the header image is too big, and it's messing up the way the page is viewed. Anyone else?

Pyare Mohan, (2006)

There are several things you can count on when watching an Indra Kumar film. You can expect it to veer, sometimes very jarringly, from comedy to drama and back again. You can depend on some slapstick comedy - people falling, crotches being attacked, a lot of hitting. Chances are there's going to be a sick gag in there somewhere. Someone might get set on fire (and will be beaten in an attempt to put it out), and there's a good possibility that a monkey will be driving a car.

For most western viewers, Kumar's films would probably be a little over-the-top. They're a little alienating for those of us who aren't used to a little masala in our lives. The comedy is off, or otherwise it's too melodramatic. Dil has the infamous "rape" scene, Masti pokes fun at infidelity, Ishq - well, Ishq might be one of the worst movies made in any language. His films can be rude and crude with an in-your-face attitude.

I love them. I love them all. (Especially Ishq.)

And so when I made an impromptu trip into Jackson Heights today, I bought Pyare Mohan, Indra Kumar's latest, with no qualms (inspite of its impressive 3.8 stars at IMDb). Billed as a romantic comedy, this film still follow's Kumar's tried-and-true formula: a light-hearted first half leads to a dramatic second half - or, as my dad would say "Fun turns to tragedy."

Pyare (Fardeen Khan) and Mohan (ViveK Oberoi, or now I guess it's "Viveik Annand Oberoi") are friends who do everything together - they live together, they own a shop, they... jog. They depend on each other, too, because Pyare is blind and Mohan is deaf. Their disabilities don't prevent them from living with dignity, nor do they discourage them from hoping to find true love someday (their disabilities do, however, lead to awkward situations that make me laugh). True love finds unexpectedly while they're out one day... jogging (really, if that's how to find true love, I need to buy some new running shoes). Pyare and Mohan meet Priti (Esha Deol) and Priya (Amrita Rao), two sisters/aspiring pop stars that immediately take a liking to the two heroes. It's not long before Pyare and Mohan realize that they love Priti and Priya. Everyone has a rollicking good time.

And then fun turns to tragedy. Pyare and Mohan's feelings are, unfortunately for them, unreciprocated - they learn this just as Priti and Priya head to Bangkok for a show. Unfortunately, this trip to Thailand lands the girls in hot water. The villain... oh, have I not mentioned the villain yet? Boman Irani plays Don Tony Fernandez, the world's silliest gangster with an inappropriately named chhota bhai, Tiny. Tony had faked his own death in India to escape the authorities, and Priti and Priya and privy to this information. They're arrested in Bangkok for the murder of a priest (aside to Priti and Priya - next time you stumble into a crime scene, don't touch the murder weapon. It just looks bad). Tony and Tiny are out to kill them, and the police are after them, and no one believes their story.

Re-enter Pyare and Mohan. Immediately upon learning that their lady-loves are in trouble, they head to Bangkok to save them. Pyare, Mohan, Priti, and Priya are constantly pursued by Tony, Tiny, or the Bangkok police (it killed me to see several officers climb aboard a boat in scuba suits... and police hats). Much of the film from this point onwards concentrates on running and crying, then some more running, and maybe some more crying, followed up by some running. And then bleeding. A lot of bleeding, actually. Then some more running, crying, and bleeding.

But, as Shakespeare would say - all's well that end's well, hai na?

(I actually have a lot of ideas as to why Indra Kumar's films are, in fact, very Shakespearean, but I'll save that for another time).

The nature of Indra Kumar's films have me laughing nearly the entire way through. The humor is very silly bordering on the too immature - just the way I like it. They may have milked the blind-and-deaf miscommunication gags a little too much, but I can forgive a few flat jokes. I even enjoyed the fight scenes instead of fast-forwarding them. I even laugh at melodrama - you know, the crying and running and bleeding parts - because it's so incredibly over-the-top. I especially laughed at the references to other films, such as Pyare calling No Entry a nice film, Mohan telling Pyare that Priti's eyes were like Hema Malini's (Esha's mother, for those who don't keep track of Bollywood family trees), or that they watched Mann - another Indra Kumar film - during one of the songs.

A note to Indra Kumar: Thanks for the laughs. I think you're totally basmatic. Love, TB.

A post with no point.

Part I - Fake-pretend boyfriend election!

So far the votes cast:

1 for Shahid.

3 for John Abraham.

3 for Dino Morea.

2 for Ritesh.

And one write-in vote each for Kunal Kapoor and Siddarth. With as cute as Siddarth is, he is ineligible for this competition since he is married. On the other hand, Kunal Kapoor is smokin', and I thank tanyapalta for pointing him out to me.

HOWEVER. We still haven't reached a decision regarding my new fake-pretend boyfriend - it's a tie between John and Dino, but there was also good reasoning behind Ritesh's votes, and I feel bad that Shahid Kapoor is dating Kareena Kapoor, and that he would benefit the most from having a fake-pretend girlfriend like me.

So I have come to a conclusion.

They will all be my fake pretend boyfriends - Shahid, John, Dino, Ritesh, and Kunal! Unfortunately, Vivek and Aftab, you two got NO votes whatsoever, so you will have to miss out on me and all my lovin'.

I love democracy. And how I have blatantly ignored it.

Part II - Referrals

I love that I can look up where everyone reaches this blog from - the website with the link they clicked in order to find Totally Basmatic! Most referrals are marked "unknown," which means that the blog is on their favorite's list, or they knew the URL and entered it in on their own, or that the referral site is otherwise indeterminable. The second-most common referrals come from other blogs that have linked to mine (mostly Beth's, Babasko's, and Velu's) or blogs that have led to mine when you click the "next blog" button on the Blogger toolbar. I've also gotten several referrals from a German Bolly-blog wiki - how flattering that they mention me!

And then there are the Googlers.

You know, the people who randomly trip over your site while, in reality, searching for something completely different. Most Googlers end up here searching for the lyrics from the KANK soundtrack, especially "Where's the Party Tonight," and I'm sure they're disappointed when they come up empty-handed. However, there are some people who land here while looking up things that are completely different - and some, completely ludicrous.

The phrases googled include:
"Mehndi 1998"
"obese man in speedo photo"
"Mitwa means"
"means Mitwa"
"where's the party tonight somewhere down the road where's the party tonight on the dancefloor"
"Urmila Matondkar sister"
"Arjun Rampal" at google.sa with the safe-search on
"Saathi 2006"
"play Krrish subtitles"

and my personal favorite:

"Ishaa Koppikar likes chicken".

Part III: Readership

Europe wins at reading my blog. Germans come in first - they make up a hefty 27% of my visitors. But I have also been graced with visitors from India (12%), Slovenia (7%), Austria (6%), Canada (3%), Singapore (2%), and the Netherlands (2%), as well as Sweden, Saudi Arabia, Ireland, Belgium, and Australia (all with 1% or less).

The shortest time anyone has spent at my blog - 0:00. Sorry, no song lyrics here.

The longest period of time anyone has spent at my blog - 50:40. What, did you forget to close the window? (second longest is 50:13, and there's also several people who've spent 40+ minutes here, so I guess I'm just that interesting).

As I post this, I have a visitor from Ljubljana, Beltinci! Hey you! How's the weather where you are?

I just found all of this intriguing and I thought I'd share.

Fake-Pretend-Boyfriend Vote - 2006 Election!

It has come to my attention that I've got nobody to love.

I mean, what I lack is a fake pretend boyfriend. t-hype has my first choice, Hrithik, and Beth pines for Akshaye Khanna, so I've been eyeing that new crop of Bollyboys to see if there are any ripe for my pickin', if you get my horribly-rural-yet-mildly-vulgar metaphorical drift.

It's also obvious to me that I can't just pick a guy, it has to be someone special that I devote my heart to.

That's why I'm putting this up to a vote.

I'm providing the nominees, though, because I do have some stipulations. The guys all have to be within my age range (which, unfortunately, knocks out superstars like Amitabh Bachchan and even Shahrukh Khan), they should be unmarried (at least to my limited knowledge), and they should be nice to look at (Johnny Lever need not apply). Whoever wins my affection in a straightforward and democratic manner will have reviews of as many of his movies that I can get my hands on. Legally. For rich or for poor, fellas - for bad and for worse. In addition to that, I will give Prince charming a special spot in a new layout I'm planning.

So here's my short list. I'd prefer you leave your vote in a comment (no need to be shy here!) but if you prefer you can email your vote confidentially. (Also, if you know that some of my info is incorrect, or that someone needs to be disqualified, do let me know.)

John Abraham

Born December 17, 1972

What John Abraham and TB have in common: Catholicism, vegetarianism

Pros: LOOK AT HIM.

Cons: Seems to have a problem finding clothes that fit, since he is rarely pictured wearing a shirt. WAIT. Why isn't that listed under pros? Also, the long hair must go.

Film Examples: Jism (2003), Dhoom (2004), Kaal (2005), Garam Masala (2005)

Dino Morea

Born December 9, 1975

What Dino Morea and TB have in common: Well, he's half Italian, so we probably both like pasta.

Pros: His lips. HIS LIPS.

Cons: There's a serious dearth of Dino Morea films. Also, he's so good-looking that sometimes it's freakish. Besides that, in the provided picture he seems to have pretty questionable fashion sense.

Film Examples: Kandukondain Kandukondain (2000), Raaz (2002), Tom, Dick, and Harry (2006)

Vivek Oberoi

Born September 3, 1976

What Vivek Oberoi and TB have in common: Both have attended or are attending college in New York and go by the nickname "Rockstar"

Pros: He's got a cute tush. I mean, he's cute.

Cons: Receding hairline.

Film Examples: Saathiya (2002), Masti (2004), Yuva (2004), Kisna (2005)

Aftab Shivdasani

Born June 25, 1978

What Aftab Shivdasani and TB have in common: June birthdays

Pros: He's a pretty decent actor, and he's pretty decent to look at.

Cons: May eventually go the Bonny Bonaduce child-star route. And my twin sister has dibs.

Film Examples: Mr. India (1987), Love Ke Liye Kuchh Bhi Karega (2001), Hungama (2003)

Shahid Kapoor

Born February 25, 1981

What Shahid Kapoor and TB have in common: Both are eighties babies, and TB tutors a kid named Shahid!

Pros: An awesome dancer with a cute baby face!

Cons: Is dating Kareena Kapoor. I'm not sure whether the con is "dating" or "Kareena Kapoor."

Film Examples: Ishq Vishk (2003), Vaah! Life Ho Toh Aisi (2005), Chup Chup Ke (2006)

Ritesh Deshmukh

Born December 17, 1978?

What Ritesh Deshmukh and TB have in common: Rumor has it we'll both be appearing in the upcoming Kabhi Alvidaa Na Kehan, although not in the same scenes ever.

Pros: He's a good comedic actor.

Cons: He got the short end of the stick in the "hot" department, but he gets by on his dorky cuteness.

Film Examples: Masti (2004), Mr. Ya Miss (2005), Bluffmaster (2005)

This vote will be open indefinitely (I know it will take me a while to tally the floods of votes I'm anticipating. You know, it's hard for me to count all the way to four). I'll announce the results as soon as I feel I have some.

And finally... may the best man win!

Dil Hai Tumhaara, (2002)

There are some actors that seem destined to play the odd one out in the love triangle. Two such actors, it seems to me, are Jimmy Shergill and Mahima Choudhary. Jimmy made his debut in Aditya Chopra's Mohabbatein, but I haven't seen him with a complete love story since (well, except Hum Tum, but he was rejected first). In her debut in Pardes, Mahima not only got the hero, but that hero was Shahrukh Khan - way to go, girl. But, again, since then, I haven't seen her in a stellar lead role. How funny, then, that both of these actors play the odd ones out in a love... quadrangle (?) in Dil Hai Tumhaara, headlined by Preity Zinta and Arjun Rampal.

Dil Hai Tumhaara is primarily the story of Shalu (Preity) and her various relationships. She and her older sister Nimmi (Mahima) dote on one another. For a reason unbeknownst to Shalu, her mother (Rekha), has never been particularly fond of her. Shalu confides in her best friend, Sameer (Jimmy), who also happens to be a "world-class" puppeteer and is in love with Shalu. Enter Dev (Arjun), a wealthy factory owner who earns both Shalu and Nimmi's affections (Dev is nearly always flanked by two yes-men who wear name-tags that appropriately identify them as "C.E.O. 1" and "C.E.O. 2").

The songs, for the most part, are neither particularly good nor bad, except for maybe "Dil Laga Liya." Still, they're interesting because they blur the divide from the "song world" to the "real world" rather well. In one song, Dev is fantasizing about "dream Shalu," while the song occasionally cuts to the real Shalu and how she deals with a daydreaming Dev. In another, while both Shalu and Nimmi are fantasizing about Sameer, one sister accidentally frolics into the other's daydream. The set design is pretty Pee-Wee's Playhouse, especially the forest where Sameer lives. The film is mostly light-hearted, with caricatures as villains that never pose any real threat against the clever Shalu. There are some moments of real drama, however, mostly between Shalu and her mother, and these scenes are mostly well-acted and convincing.

So, bottom line: not the best movie ever, but enjoyable nonetheless - barring puppetphobiacs, of course. I have to agree with BrianBkyn's ugly baby metaphor. "Homely, but cute."

Shout outs!

Well, I've got to give credit where credit is due. My blog's been around for a few months, now, and I've made some pretty superwow friends out there because of it. Who knew that a silly interest growing hobby obsessive-compulsive habit would lead me to make friends all over the world?

For starters, there's Beth, all the way from the foreign land of Illinois. I think her blog is awesome, and we've been tossing around some ideas for joint ventures. We'll have to wait until she gets back from India, where I bet she's starring in lots of movies.

Then there's Babasko, from Vienna (just imagine! Vienna!), who loves masala as much as I do.

Maja was kind enough to link me to her blog before I had even read anything she posted. Her live-blogging is priceless... I should try that sometime!

I've only just started to delve into t-hype's posts, but so far it appears that we have more in common than undying love for Hrithik Roshan.

There's velu from Trivandrum, who's only recently appeared on my radar but makes intelligent remarks and reviews a lot of South Indian films, of which I have limited access to. Hey, velu, see what you can do about that *wink wink nudge nudge*.

Also, we have Katrin and mariakaefar from Germany, whose posts I cannot understand, but I trust that they are only saying nice things about me. For example, babelfish provided this translation for me from Katrin's blog:

Then Where's the party comes tonight. To the text I refer times to Beth and Totally Basmatic, whose comments make the Song more fun than the whole sound TRACK together.

And mariakaefar had this to say about me:

I must quote here times the nice conclusions, which Totally Basmatic for their Waqt criticism finds: to "I CAN think OF 6.000 more better ways tons donate three hours, like individually plucking every beach OF hair from my body or finding A way tons of GET the flu again. Avoid, yaar. Don’t say you weren’t warned." * g * no, so badly is Waqt then really also again not. I must the time, which I with Waqt spent, now do not regret to however really convince the film could not do me also.

Well, it sounds good to me!

Finally, there's tanyapalta, who has been leaving some pretty intelligent comments lately. Her blog follows the business and news end of Bollywood, to help us all keep on track!

Just wanted to let all of you know how awesome you are. Go ahead and give yourselves a pat on the back! If I missed you somehow, I'm sorry... and if I don't know you, leave comments or send emails, so I do! (And if you're my sister, well, you knows I loves you...)

Edited to add: AND MICHAEL. DON'T FORGET ABOUT MICHAEL. MICHAEL EQUALS AWESOMENESS. (please forgive me.... I'm a litte forgetful...)

Dil Ka Rishta, (2003)

As long I as I have been watching bad movies lately, why not watch on of the very worst that I own? So I popped in Dil Ka Rishta (relationships of the heart), which has the very worst plot I have ever seen. The best part of the whole movie occurs within the first three minutes - Arjun Rampal takes a shower. Had this shower continued another three hours or so, well, I would have been a very happy viewer. Unfortunately Arjun can wash his hair in record time, and so the movie progresses, despite the reluctance of its audience.


Jai, the wealthy Indian boy, falls in love with Tia, the perfect Indian girl. In fact, this girl is so perfect that she works at a school for deaf children, which leads to Jai thinking she's also deaf. Awkwardness ensues both onscreen and in the audience. Eventually we learn that Tia's already spoken for, but instead of moving on, Jai spends the next year or so of his life spiralling into a pit of despair. In a drunk-driving incident, Jai kills Tia's husband, but instead of doing the time for the crime, he whisks the amnesia-stricken Tia and her infant son to South Africa, where he plans on never telling her what actually happened. In fact, doctors agree with this remedy, fearing that the truth will kill her. If you're already thinking that this movie is a bad idea, now take into account that Jai feels too guilty about what he's done to return Tia's burgeoning romantic interest.


The entire film begs the question "Who thought this was a good idea?" You can pose that question to each of the characters - "You think this is a good idea? It's totally not a good idea." You can especially ask this of the filmmakers themselves. "You thought this would make a good movie? This was just a bad idea. The whole thing was a really, really bad idea, guys." Supposedly this film was written by Aishwarya Rai's mother, intended to be a showcase of her daughter's talent. I'm sorry, but if it was talent I was supposed to be noticing, I was seriously distracted by the horrible plot, the ridiculous characters, and the not-so-good acting on everyone's part.


One aspect at which this film does not fail, though, is "the pretty." We've got both Aishwarya Rai and Arjun Rampal, both of whom I would happily look at for three hours, despite questionable acting skills. There's also Ishaa Koppikar and Priyanshu Chatterjee, who are passably pretty. Then there's Paresh Rawal, who's usually pretty funny, and Rakhee, the gorgeous actress of yesteryear who's playing mostly mother parts lately. Pretty clothes, pretty scenery, pretty cars, but it's also pretty dull for the most part. There's not many films that I'll say this for, but this is definitely one of them - Avoid, yaar. There's better ways to spend three hours of your time.


Based on a short scene, though, the only good thing that came of this film was a hilarious conversation with my friend Tinu on how he would react had he knocked up Aishwarya Rai. Actually, most of the conversation consisted of gestures and celabratory dance moves, so I guess you had to be there.

Khakee, (2004)

In my last post, azuregoddess pointed out that perhaps I was a little critical of Akshay Kumar. Fortunately, the film Khakee forced me to re-evaluate my opinion of his sexiness.

Behold, the redeeming power of a police uniform:

Still, it appeared the wardrobe masters had something against Akshay, because when he wasn't in khaki he was dressed in horribly ill-fitting trousers.

The crotch goes almost to his knees.

Can you say camel-toe? These jeans look painful.

Now back to Khakee. This is a gooooooood movie. It's not ever going to be a favorite of mine (it doesn't have the same rewatchability of, say, Bunty aur Babli), but it's definitely worth a rental. For the most part, the production value is high - the cinematography is sleek, the special effects are excellent (especially in the songs), the acting is well done, and the screenplay is tight (no plot holes here!).

The film follows a group of police officers assigned to transport a terrorist suspect (Atul Kulkarni) from Chadanghbad to Mumbai. DCP Anant Kumar Shrivastav (Amitabh Bachchan) leads the way, supported by the philandering Sr. Inspector Shekhar Verma (Akshay Kumar) and the idealistic new officer Sub Inspector Ashwin Gupte (Tusshar Kapoor). They are joined by Mahalakhsmi (Aiswarya Rai), an important witness. However, their journey is continually thwarted by Angre (Ajay Devgan), a former officer turned terrorist with a bone to pick with the DCP. As the film unfolds, so do the characters and their situation. Corruption within the government and police force are continually exposed, as bad guys turn out to be good guys and good guys turn out to be bad guys. To go into any more detail would be to spoil the film.

With as gooooooood as this movie is, it isn't without its flaws. The violent scenes smack of eighties Bollywood fight scenes, with people being shot two or three times and still running. And although I loved the songs, they weren't integrated very well at all. The transition from high-tension scenes to Lara Dutta shakin' her booty was just too jarring. While some characters had very convincing, very real arcs (Tusshar was especially impressive in expressing the disillusionment of his character), some characters weren't developed quite as well (for example, I loves me some Ajay Devgan, but he could have really done excellent with a little more meat on his character).

Still, I wholeheartedly recommend this film, although I'll never be able to listen to Kal Ho Naa Ho's theme song again without getting completely creeped out.

Mere Jeevan Saathi, (2006)

On a scale of "avoid, yaar" to "totally basmatic," I cannot quite figure out where Mere Jeevan Saathi belongs. It certainly does not belong in the "pretty bad"/"fairly mediocre" middle ground of Bollywood filmdom. It may very well be the worst movie I have ever seen, but it is so awesomely bad that I could not help but enjoy it immensely.

The film stars Akshay Kumar as Vicky, another fame-hungry talentless guy that Akshay is so bad at playing, and yet plays so often. This time, he wants to be a pop star, and the only way to do this is to make nice with Natasha (Karisma Kapoor in her "comeback" role), a CEO of a major music label. Vicky is supported 100% by his girlfriend Anjali (Amisha Patel) who has nothing in her head but butterflies and bumblebees apparently, because the girl is as dumb as a brick.

It sounds like the good ole love triangle scenario, doesn't it? That's what I thought it was going to be. I did not expect this film to have explosions and stabbings and wrist-slashing at all, but it totally totally did. What I did not realize was that Natasha was a crazy pyscho-bitch bent on possessing Vicky at any/all costs. Naturally, she was my favorite character, because she was the only one in the film who was not as bland as my Aunt Terry's potato salad. Karisma seemed to enjoy chewing the scenery, so to speak, while her co-stars drowned in bad dialogue and the horrible plot.

The most unbelievable part of this movie, however, was not the excessive violence and blood and blowing up of things or Anjali's complete obliviousness to the situation around her. I was rather surprised that not one, but two women were head over heels for Akshay Kumar. He has to be the least sexy man on the Bollywood silver screen, save perhaps Johnny Lever. Perhaps. His photo-shoot scene was the most embarrassing thing I have ever witnessed.

This film was apparently a major flop, and it's not hard to understand why. Apparently a lot of people were upset with the ending, because it is almost as unbelievable as how sexy Akshay is supposed to be.

Vicky marries a dead body.

That's pretty awesomely bad.