Saawan: The Love Season, (2006)

It's reassuring to realize, especially after watching big-budget, glossy, and sometimes wonderfully excellent films like Rang De Basanti, Bollywood is still churning out some laughably bad films. Saawan: The Love Season is just one example, and it is especially laughably bad.

I'm not quite sure where to start. Well, let's see - I think it's interesting that Saawan Kumar wrote, directed, and produced this movie. Um, if you're going to name your movie after yourself, that's not only amazingly egotistical; at least make sure your film isn't completely awful, first. I haven't seen any of his earlier films, but I remember Dil Pardesi Ho Gaya garnering a bit of attention, and I think he was successful years ago. And Chaand Ka Tukdaa sounds completely cracktastic, and I'd love to see it. But that doesn't mean that Saawan: The Love Season is worth a watch at all.

That isn't to say you won't like it. I, for one, was in stitches for much of the film. I doubt that was poor Saawan's intention, however. It starts rather abrubtly with a dance number that introduces us to our heroine, the pretty-if-bland Kaajal. She's ready for love, she declares in Dumb English Lyrics©. It's not long before she encounters Raj (I think his name was Raj, I forget - for the purposes of this review, Raj it will be). Although he takes a shine to her right away, she doesn't feel the same; a few scenes later though they're all "songy and dancey."

From this point on my post is rife with spoilers, so if you have any intention of ever seeing this film (God help you) stop reading now.

Suddenly Salman Khan, who looks like he hasn't washed his hair since Tere Naam, shows up. He talks to God. A lot. More specifically, God tells him when bad things are going to happen. (Salman explains this by saying that for God, "outgoing calls are free.") So when Kaajal walks into a busy street chatting on her cellphone, God tells Salman that there's going to be an accident, and he pulls her to safety. He then tells her that her father will die at nine that night, which also happens to be her birthday and her engagement. And I'm not sure why that's relevant, even in the film, but there it is.

Kaajal is then convinced that Salman is a psychic and pesters him to tell her when she's going to die. After some hemming and hawing, Salman tells her Friday. Yes, Friday. As in the end of that week. She takes the news well, becoming morbidly cheerful and running off to report then news to her fiance. On Thursday she tells him she wants to die a married woman (in Hollywood, of course, this would translate to "I don't want to die a virgin" which is a stupid sentiment, because in horror films virgins never die - and trust me, this film is horror-ble). Chuck (or what was his name? Rahul? I've decided to change it to Chuck) marries her instantly and they spend Kaajal's last night before "death day" canoodling.

On Friday morning, after Kaajal serves Chuck a healthy, hearty breakfast (because that's how I'd want to spend my last day on earth - cooking) and jokes about her own death. Chuck suggests that, too take their minds of her imminent demise, they go shopping. That's wonderful. I mean, if I know I'm going to kick the bucket ASAP I think I want to increase my "can't take it with you" pile. Of course, Kaajal is caught in the line of fire when five or six policeman chasing a thief open fire in a crowded public place (glad to see that everyone got in the spirit of not using their heads today).

As Kaajal lies on the operating table, Chuck decides it's payback time; he finds Salman's house and abrubtly flips out and kills someone. I mean that, really - he beats Salman Khan to death. There's some sort of "a life for a life" switch here, because as soon as Salman expires Kaajal begins bouncing on her hospital bed like a fish out of water, and ta da! Happy ending for all. Except Salman. And whoever watches this film.

Ultimately I cared more about the comedy side-track than the main storyline of the film. Johnny Lever and Bobby/Dolly Darling were infinitely less annoying than anything else about Saawan.

Tags: Johnny Lever, Salman Khan, Dumb English Lyrics