Hum Aapke Dil Mein Rehte Hain, (1999)

You know Vijay (Anil Kapoor) is living the life in America because he’s shown driving a convertible jivin’ to a Ricky Martin tune (please never let me use the word “jivin’” in a post again). Of course, that’s just the problem. Father Anupam Kher wants his son to return home to India and take over the family business. When Vijay refuses, Dad decides that marriage will make his son more responsible, but first he needs the perfect bride. That western-dressing Anita with the plotting uncle (Shakti Kapoor) will never do.

Meanwhile, Megha (Kajol) is a girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her older sister is married, but her husband will divorce her unless she has a much-needed heart surgery. Her brother can’t find work. And her younger sister gets herself into trouble and needs to get married in a hurry. Fortunately Meghna is a good worker – and as personal secretary to Anupam Kher, her efficiency, hard-workingness, and responsibility is not overlooked. In fact, she’d be the perfect bahu!

Not surprisingly, Vijay doesn’t want to get married, and he sets one condition: if, in a year, he isn’t satisfied, he will divorce. Meghna only agrees to this condition if it remains a secret, knowing that even a year’s marriage to a rich man will benefit her family endlessly.

So for a year Megha is the perfect wife to Vijay. And he’s not a bad husband. Actually, it looks like some American ideas of feminism have rubbed off on him – when she bends to touch his feet in respect, he does the same to her. And father-in-law adores her: “But puterji, I love you, yaar,” he tells her. Or “Oy, puterji, I love you, God bless you!” or “I will always love you!” Maybe she should have married him.

So after a year Vijay decides that he actually doesn’t like being married.

That’s pretty much when all of the shit hits the fan, because you know within 20 minutes he’s going to want her back, and she won’t be having any of it. Eventually it all culminates into the most screaming-est ending of all time. I guess it never occurs to Vijay to CALL AN AMBULANCE.

The songs – OMG the first song, “Yeh Meri Life Hai.” Talk about your awful English lyrics. This beats Dumb English Lyrics© a hundredfold. “He’s got style, he’s got style, he walks in style, he talks in style. He’s got style, he’s got style, he’s the man with the style, yeah, he’s got style!” And it only gets worse! “Monica and Bill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water/Silly Bill gave her a stain and all he faced was slaughter!”

There’s no way I could be making this up. You have to believe me. It’s horrible. Complete with giant caricatures of the Clintons and a large American flag.

Of course the song doesn’t stop; it’s got more catchy yet stupid English lyrics to throw at us! “W W W dot com com com!” and “Computer meri girlfriend,” which I think tells us more than we really want to know about the hero and, possibly, the lyricist. It’s a shame, because the tune is pretty catchy and the choreography’s not bad, but whoever that lyricist is should be, as they would say in the Old West, dragged into the street and shot.

I wish any of the other songs had made as strong an impression as this one, but out of the bunch only “Chup Gaya” stands out, because it was nice – and when you can’t think of a better word than nice, then that’s not a good thing. That, and “Papa Mein Papa” for its extreme ridiculousness.

Bottom line on the film? If you like bad movies, you'll enjoy this one. Otherwise, it's only recommended for Kajol fans, but just barely.